How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
So I am in my first relationship with a boy who is treats me so well. He has never hurt me, he has so much respect for me and so much loyalty. He would be happy to grow old with me. And I love him, but I think I want to experience more. That isn’t a reflection of my feelings towards him, that’s just part of my life philosophy where I think one should go and try things and experience the world. I feel I have crushed his dream. I also met up with a boy, clandestinely, at the same school. Nothing happened. I didn’t want anything to happen and I didn’t like him at all tbh. I told my boyfriend about this and at first he was fine but then after a while it started to gnaw away at him and he began to get upset about it. I didn’t realise what I was putting him through would be so painful for him. For some reason I just didn’t think he would struggle to believe me when I said that I still loved him just as much. I am worried that people will make him feel embarrassed and upset during our last term of school and exams. I am also worried that I will have a miserable time for feeling so frickin guilty. I am so so incredibly sorry and I didn’t wish to inflict this pain upon him. I am justifying myself as just scratching a metaphorical itch by meeting with that other boy … I feel like now the itch is scratched there isn’t a problem in terms of me doing it again because I have realised how unique my boyfriend is etc. I think it was the right thing to scratch the itch in a way because now I certainly am happier for it, and I know my relationship is better for it, but I know it hasn’t affected him like that. I know it has really upset him. I feel so guilty for hurting him, and I am worried that he will be continued to be hurt by it.
Years ago I married the most amazing person in the world. We we’re very young. They got ill shortly in our marriage and everything changed. We became disconnected. They lost all enjoyment of life and the person that I married seemed to be buried and lost. During that time I made friends with a few co-workers. My spouse and I hadn’t had sex in almost a year and my spouse told me to go have sex with someone else because they didn’t want to have it with me.
I was depressed and felt extremely alone. My co-worker and I became very close and they knew what was happening at home. They knew my sadness and loneliness. They offered me solace in sex that would happen once so I could feel something again. We agreed we’d never speak of it ever again. I felt good during that moment. We never went past that one time and we never spoke of it again.
I didn’t feel guilty during that time because I felt it was something I needed and my spouse gave me permission. Years later (my spouse and I are still together) we found out the changes in them was due to the medication they were on. It was a side effect we weren’t aware could happen. Once they stopped taking the medication they became the person I married again. When they came back to me was when the guilt started filling me up. I love them with all my parts and I did that to them. Regardless or permission and the loneliness at that time I still did that to them. I’ve never spoken about it to anyone. They still don’t know and I will never be able to tell them. I’ve not forgiven myself for sleeping with someone else. I don’t even know if it was the act of sleeping with someone else that I feel guilt over, not telling them, or feeling guiltless on the years after when they were still medicated. Once they came back to me I just couldn’t let go of doing something like that to them.
I know that trying to punish myself for feeling all the above is not a complying anything. I realize I’m just hurting myself over something that was a blemish in time. The guilt of the moment has lasted longer than the moment itself. I’m hoping writing this out and sharing it with the world will allow me some peace and maybe let me move past my discrepancy. I’m sure many people will judge me as a horrible person for not telling my spouse or even doing the act. I accept that. Not everyone will understand the loneliness I felt in that time and that’s ok too. I just need peace for myself and to tell someone I guess so I don’t eat myself up anymore and release my guilt.
I’m no where as great as others in this comment section.
I was that toxic friend, the friend who talked bad about others behind their backs, the friend who was jealous of my friends’ successes, the friend who was bitter about life.
I continued to live that way, until in high school, when I had a really bad fall out with one of my best childhood friends, who was with me from kindergarten all the way to high school. The fallout was a pretty big one, and I lost almost everyone I valued in my life. I was crazy at that point, I was still in denial about the fact that I was the one at fault. However after a few months, I started to realised that I, myself, was the one at wrong.
I know that it took me a very long time, and I really regret it so bad. A year after the fall out, I invited my “ex friend” out to give a true heartfelt apology. Surprisingly, she and some of my friends accepted it. However, I knew the damage was already done.
Until this day, 7 years after the fallout, I still feel extremely guilty whenever I see any of my old friends on social media. I can’t imagine why or how they could’ve forgiven me. I’m not sure if they truly did, and I know I don’t deserve their forgiveness. I mean, I was such a horrible person to people around me. and I have literally no way to make up for it.
Hence, whenever I face challenges, hardships or pain in life, I can’t help but feel that I DESERVE IT. I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t deserve the kindness others show me, I don’t deserve anything good in life.
We’re so sorry to read what you’re going through. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or thinking about hurting yourself or others, please seek immediate help. Call 911, go to your closest emergency room, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. This national network of local crisis centers provides free support, and someone is always available to talk.
You can also find a list of other helpful resources here, such as the Crisis Text Line, National Domestic Violence Hotline, and more. Remember, life can get better with the right help. https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/immediate-help/