How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I feel guilt about a girl that I had an affair with. We met on a dating app a long time ago, but she was overly emotionally desperate. She started sending me photos of her nudes without me even asking, and she kept saying she wanted to have sex and made it seem like she really wanted to. She started treating me as if I was her boyfriend when we had never even met in person yet. I decided ok I wanted to have sex with her so I met up with her because she seemed so eager for it. But when I got there she said that she didn’t really want to have sex and she just wanted a normal date. I was so confused because that’s what she had been texting me so much about. She said that she had been used for sex by other guys before me, and it traumatized her to the point where she claimed she was hospitalized because she wanted to take her own life. I managed to convince her to have sex with me even though she was reluctant about it. After that, she was desperately texting me and calling me the next day and at that point I knew that she was a person with red flags and I didn’t want to have that in my life. I decided to cut her off and block her because she was being too much and I figured she would bring problems to my life that I don’t need. Now I look back and feel guilt because I wonder if she tried to hurt herself or kill herself after I blocked her. I know she just wanted an honest relationship and I guess I took advantage of her, but she just made it so simple to have sex with her out of her desperation. I regret even getting involved with her because its a burden to me wondering if I was ever responsible for her being really hurt by it. I don’t even know how to feel, I get that I did use her and she would be hurt by that, but at the same time she knew what she was doing wrong for the sake of a relationship. She has the idea that if she is all sexual with guys she doesn’t know yet before she meets them that they are going to stay with her, and I feel that is the wrong way to start off a relationship. She has the idea that if she hooks up with a guy once and shows her his vulnerabilities that he will keep her around, but that’s not how a relationship starts. Its as if her desperation made her naive for me but its like she doesn’t learn from her past mistakes that guys will use her if she exposes herself to the, so early on. And I feel like she is not even being fair to herself for not loving herself enough to have the confidence in herself and get to know a guy she wants to date the right way, by starting off getting to know each other first before sex. I feel guilt about her being hurt again as bad as she was before as another guy who used her, but she was just really insecure about herself and let her desperation for a guy thinking he will stay with her allow her to be used for sex. I know she is still alive, but I don’t know what happens, but the anxiety of it troubles me a lot and I am not sure what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated thank you.
I had a boyfriend in high school, total sweetheart. Once I went off to college I broke it off to “experience new things” on my own without that commitment. I moved on and two years later found myself in a new relationship. We’ve been together for 3 years now and for the past literal year I’ve been deeply missing my ex. I stalk his profile and his girlfriend’s every single day, I cannot stop and I’ve tried multiple times. This certainly interferes with my happiness and current relationship, especially because I feel like I’m betraying my current boyfriend, maybe even myself. I’m in a relationship missing my ex and can’t move on from this situation, I hate myself.
My mother died recently and I am selling her home. The buyers agreed they would like some of the furniture and would make a donation to charity for them.
I was then offered money for the furniture, and I accepted it. I cannot imagine what I was thinking. I would have loved Mum’s things to stay in place. I am even contemplating suicide as a way out of the anguish I am feeling.