How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I got so distant and mean toward my significant other during the last months of our relationship. He came out as transgender and I was dealing with lot of my own identity issues having recently come out as bisexual and non binary. I let myself get absorbed in feelings for another person who was totally toxic because it was easier to engage with that unhealthy behavior than to accept the genuine love and growth my partner was trying to share with me during such a difficult time. I ended up breaking up with him because I felt so guilty after a fight where I berated him for not trusting me, even though he was justified not to in the situation. Once I realized what I had done I was so consumed by shame that I couldn’t stand to let him forgive me, even though he was willing to. When we broke up he confided in me that he had gotten incredibly close to suicide due to the way I had emotionally abandoned him during our last few months together. I talked him down and assured him he deserved to live even if our relationship didn’t work out and we’re on ok terms now. We lived together and the move out was amicable and even friendly at times. We shared a few moments of reconciliation, peace and even laughter but still I find it so hard to forgive myself for hurting someone who I loved so much and had been with for years. Even moreso I find it difficult to forgive myself for giving up on our relationship when he was willing to work things out and forgive me.
I didny mean to write a message and send it to this person,I’m in a relationship and I accidentally sent a message saying , I’ve always wanted to tell you how I thought about you, to someone I shouldn’t have. I was only typing it hoping to get it out and delete, but I accepted sent it then tried to used but they seen it , then I tried to play it off. I didn’t try and flirt or anything after.
I did something pretty stupid last thursday. I gave money to a desperate looking man and what bothers me most is how much money I gave him. (over 200 euros) However I know I can’t change it, but only learn from that experience. He swore he’d give it back to me but… I can’t reach him and after the event I started to remember a bunch of details that make me now 100% certain he lied.
It’s made me really anxious in the last few days but hey at least I learned a lesson. I need to be more careful, especially being so receptive to manipulation. I sincerely hope it’s the last time something like this happens to me. At least I haven’t hurt anyone and still have more than enough money on my bank account to move on with my life. I just feel dumb and angry towards myself, cuz I could’ve avoided that so easily by just saying: “No. Leave me alone.” Better to learn this now at almost 21 than later on with a worse situation.
But I need to move on, feeling anxious about this for weeks isn’t going to bring the money back and will only make my mental health go downhill.
So uh… day one of moving on I guess?
I’m honestly more surprised at how anxious it has made me. It’s “only” money after all. It’s not my passport or something that’s not mine to begin with.