How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I have six children. I stayed in a marriage with a man who was a bully to me until the youngest was 15. The others had all left home so I took my son and escaped. Within a year I had met another man, an Australian and we went to Australia to live. My son didn’t want to come with me so I left him with the rest of the family. My man and I lived in Australia for 16 years. Those that could, came to visit including my young son. He’d forgiven me and moved on.
Now I’m back in UK and in touch with all my children. They are good to me and set up a new home for us to return to.
My problem is I can’t cope with the guilt of leaving my son; Of leaving the family. I feel selfish and a bad mother.
All my children grew up to be good, successful and clever adults. I have grandchildren. Yet I can’t forgive myself for the choice I made. I wasn’t there for them when they had bad times.
Every morning I wake haunted by the guilt.
In 2018, I slept with my best friends boyfriend. However, at the time my friend and I weren’t close at all. We bonded over a night of drinking and a few other substances. We laughed, cried, and became best friends all in one night. I honestly dumped the night with her boyfriend in the back of my mind.
I didnt think of it again until her boyfriend and I were alone again. We were drinking and he told me he felt like we had a connection, pulling at my heart strings. Sounds like an excuse, but I was naive and would have fallen for anyone who told me I was cute. We had sex again, and it became almost a frequent thing for about a year and a half.
All the while I kept the relationship with my friend.
The guilt lingered. It would sneak up then go away almost as fast as it came. It hit hard one night after I heard that her boyfriend had been drinking more, and they’d been fighting frequently. Screaming and throwing things.
I knew it was my fault. She may not have known, but he was fighting with her because of me. I finally told her about our affairs. I told her everything. At first she was in shock, and immediately invited me over for drinks. We talked, and for a minute it felt normal, but I knew it wouldnt be for long.
That was over eight months ago when I told her, and we haven’t talked at all since that night. The shame and hurt is hitting me harder than ever. Lately I’ve been having dreams about her. Some are of her forgiving me, others are her getting back at me somehow. There’s nothing I want more than to talk to her and make it up to her somehow, but at the same time, I know that keeping my distance is the best option.
She’ll never trust me again. I lied to her for over a year, and I didnt have the decency to tell her until after her relationship was going downhill.
I know the event will never leave my mind, but the guilt is something I can’t live with much longer.
I’m not a good person, and I’m trying to turn it into a lesson but there’s nothing I want more than my friend back, but its never going to happen.