How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I constantly feel guilty about things I’ve said, and the more I look back at them the more I realize how inappropriate, hurtful, or maliciously intended I was. When I first got to college in New York I met a guy and we started to hang out. One day when we were walking around town and having a lively conversation about politics I mentioned how the response to 9/11 was overblown (though I think it came off even worse then this) in response a girl said something along the lines of “that’s a messed up thing to say,” I essentially shrugged it off and conceded but I later learned that the guy’s dad died in 9/11. We fell off shortly after. Its been 3 years now. Know your audience and sensitive topics is the moral of the story I guess.
I had a deadbeat dad who was abusive to my mom. When he tried to reconnect with me (in my late teens) I conversed with him for a while but ended up stealing $300 bucks from him and justifying it by saying “he brought it on himself.” I also lied about not doing it at first which didn’t help.
I did apologize for it formally and pay him back shortly after. However, I never apologized in person so I still feel bad about it sometimes and worry it will come back and bite me in the a* somehow someday. He really isn’t the type of guy I want in my life even nowadays (politically and from a mental health perspective he isn’t very stable) so I don’t see the need in trying to arrange an in-person apology for someone I don’t intend to keep in my life afterwards.
I fully admit what I did was stupid and wrong though and present me knows better. I just hope I can 100% move past this in the future.
I am filled with paralyzing guilt and regret for being racist. I used to touch my Black classmate’s hair without asking. I quoted horrible impersonations of Asian and Latina women. Those are just a few. I am working so hard to unlearn white supremacy, but fear that it will never be enough because I cannot undo the hurt I know I’ve caused friends and classmates. I’ve also been a bully. I’ve struggled with horrible self-image and an eating disorder and in cries for help/attention and attempts to make myself feel better, I lashed out and tore others down. I am truly unsure how I will ever find the will to fully live again when I have done so many awful things. Thank you for opening this comment section, putting this into the world has helped a bit.