How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I can’t find my post on here from today.
I made a bunch of stupid mistakes on my first 2 unit exams for math, and now I don’t think I have a good enough mark to have a good competitive average and then I told myself I would do amazing on the last 3 to make up for that but today I had my 3rd one and I think I messed up again and now all the regret is coming back and I just feel so stupid and I see most of my friends doing well in the class and I just want to punch myself for being so stupid
I would like to just get everything off my chest, because quite frankly it weighs heavy and I’m sick of holding it in and being embarrassed and ashamed. I get flashbacks of terrible things that I did or did to others throughout the day (some days are worse than others).
I will start at 18. I lied about where I was born. Silly right? But in fact I was trying to avoid racism and hateful comments against my country and religion. This led me down a path of deceit.
– then I met a guy who was what I thought my forever man, he actually mentally abused me and his family didn’t like me either. That relationship was destructive he introduced me to drugs and a different path of life we moved in together the relationship got worse, So after a very long time I ended that relationship and moved out.
At 24 my mom was diagnosed with cancer, my father was diagnosed with health problems. After being there for the both of them and trying to hold everyone together I decided to go on a trip to just get away from it all.
– I went to another state to see a friend. He was welcoming nice and a breath of fresh air. But he was just my friend. Unfortunately I decided to party with him and begged him to get drugs and he did He tried his hardest to hook up with me but I was reluctant on the first night. The next day we went out to eat and enjoyed our time together went to the bar and had fun except when I started dancing with another guy he ended up leaving me at the bar and getting a taxi to go home. He ended up coming back for me and we ended up having sex that night ( a part of me feels like he video taped us doing it and I cringe and feel disgusted with myself but there’s no way to prove it.) he started getting all sorts of mixed feelings and wanted me to explain why I was dancing with someone else. Keep in mind we were just friends that hooked up ugh. Anyways I haven’t spoken to him since I got back and left it there but I always wonder if he has a video.
– That same year a few months later a friend of mine was going to go overseas and wanted me to go with her. I agreed and felt I was going to be different. We got to our destination and stayed at a hotel she suggested we go out for a few drinks, I agreed and we went well I got loaded. Ended up meeting a guy and when my friend tried to stop me from being with him I screamed at her and bitched at her and told her she can go back with out me. Long story short I stayed up till morning with this guy wandering the streets looking for my hotel when we found it I brought him back and had unprotected sex with him in the same room and my friend while she laid in the other bed. ( ugh I feel gross even writing this down is bringing up bad memories) long story short I ended up sleeping with 2 more other men unprotected and hooking up with a girl and also was being taken advantage of when I was drunk by one dude that I finally ended pushing away. My friend no longer speaks to me. I would like to tell her how sorry I am for hurting her and mistreating her. I live with these every day of my life. I would like to stop though I’m not sure how.
Fast forward I am 35 married and have children. My husband has no idea of these past mistakes and would like to keep it that way but feel guilty and ashamed throughout my days and some are worse than others. I’m living a nightmare in my head it never stops.
Someone please tell me how can I stop the painful flashbacks of my mistakes and these memories that come and go and it’s these few awful moments in my life that I replay over and over it never goes away.
Please help.