How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
So here it goes…for the last 16 year’s I have been an alcoholic. I destroyed a lot of relationships and told a lot of lies. I abused a lot of people and I mostly abused myself. I had issues with abandonment, judgement, low self esteem, low confidence, I felt stupid, I lied about almost everything for No reason just becauze I wanted people to like me…I used to seek attention attention and create chaos and drama foe attw iron because I had no lpvw foe myself…I have always believed that I was ugly…I miatreatws by moody by eating trash…I didn’t really feel.qpethy and deawebing of the beat life has to offsr. The alcohol aas my beat friend and my worst enemy. I ruined my marriage. I ruined my reputation…I was depressed ans self medicating and going thru withdrawals I used to feel horrible about it but I don’t anymore. I am healed. I forgive myself foe all pf the bad choices I made and foe every One I defiled. I am a xhild of a king and his love is floqing tbeu me right now…I am no longer a prisoner. I am free.
I am 31i betarayed the trust and cheated on my partner I couldn’t bear it so I told her the truth and now she won’t forgive me and everything seem like it has fallen apart , I feel so guilty never knew how powerful guilt can be it’s affecting my work and I don’t get a good sleep she was an amazing person and didn’t deserve any of it she loved me and I betrayed her . I can’t seem to shake of the guilt and pain . I could have done better. Any recommendations to speak with a therapist
I know this is an old thread, but I have to get this out there because its destroying me. I’m 56, broke, obese, desperately lonely, and I feel like I have wasted my whole life. I was abandoned by my parents, raised by my grandparents who expected me to wait on them and give up my life to care for them. I thought so little of myself that I made myself a servant to them. I gave up my education, my social life, and my career prospects because I believed it was ‘supposed” to be a caregiver. All I felt was guilt and resentment. I loved my grandmother, but she took my whole life. I was always a shy kid, socially awkward, and I never developed deep friendships.
I didn’t think anyone would want to know me. I was bullied horribly all through school and turned into someone who could barely look people in the eye. When my grandparents died and left me their house and some money, I blew through the cash in a few years. I am now completely broke. I haven’t had a date in 25 years. I have a few acquaintances but no true friends. I feel like my life is over and sometimes I wish I could just lay down and die. I hate myself and wish I could be somebody else. I have been to therapy and take meds, but nothing helps. I look back on a wasted like full of shame and regret, and wonder if it is too late to start over. Not sure where I’d even begin, but I can’t keep living like this.
We’re so sorry to read what you’re going through. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or thinking about hurting yourself or others, please seek immediate help. Call 911, go to your closest emergency room, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. This national network of local crisis centers provides free support, and someone is always available to talk.
You can also find a list of other helpful resources here, such as the Crisis Text Line, National Domestic Violence Hotline, and more. Remember, life can get better with the right help. https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/immediate-help/