How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I struggle to forgive myself for many different things. I was bullied all through school and never dealt with it and it has turned me into someone I don’t recognize. Fear has interfered with all decisions in my life and blinded me so I couldn’t or didn’t want to see what a nasty person I had become. I’m trying to correct my negative thoughts about things I’ve done but I’m struggling to let go. I have ruined all my relationships with family and friends. It’s like I feel like I haven’t endured enough pain for my mistakes. Sometimes I feel like I have no one and no one else will want to be around me again.
We’re so sorry to read what you’re going through. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or thinking about hurting yourself or others, please seek immediate help. Call 911, go to your closest emergency room, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. This national network of local crisis centers provides free support, and someone is always available to talk.
You can also find a list of other helpful resources here, such as the Crisis Text Line, National Domestic Violence Hotline, and more. Remember, life can get better with the right help. https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/immediate-help/
I feel like I’ve been a s* person for a while. It started in my late junior year of highschool. I hung out with people who gossiped and stabbed each other in the back and I started too.I look back and think I was two faced and I would get f* up all the time and just make a giant fool of myself. Some people said I was fun but I know there were times I took it too far. And I did spiteful shit for no reason. And I always embellished. I know I still do it know but I’m trying my hardest to become a better person. And truthfully I have been and life has weirdly been rewarding me. But I still can’t get over my past. So much has happened since highschool and I have gone through so many different friend groups and have left such bad tastes in people’s mouths. I feel like I talked way too much shit and tried to stand up for what’s right and talk bad about people doing bad things only to look like the ass. I just kept drinking and getting tucked up that I made a huge fool of myself. I also was in a long relationship where at first I was so sure I was in love and then I f* up and tried to break up to help him “mature”and then hooked up with someone almost immediately. Then I got really attached to said person and bugged them to escape my ex. I never really told them and kept it a secret. I still loved them and didn’t want them to view me different. I felt like such a s* person. Then we got back together and things got ugly. The arguing went on forever until I started going out more and then cheated on them multiple times. We honestly should’ve broken up again way sooner but we were together for comfort. But now I’m in a relationship with the last one I cheated with. We hooked up drunkly once and I broke up with my ex again and started hanging out with a different crowd. Kept to myself and cut off a lot of people. And have been trying to change ever since. My partner now helps me grow but I think about my ex all the time. My last haunts me and I miss the comfort of hiding away sometimes with my ex. We really did love eachother. How tf do you get over your past and move on and forgive yourself? I like the new me, my new small group, my new accomplishments. I feel sick and anxious all the time. I’m sorry this is so long and so all over the place, Idk how else to move on but finally admitting this
My ex put me through so much for 9 months. Controlling me, verbally abusing me, leaving me at the drop of the hat and ignoring me for days when I didn’t even do anything wrong he just assumed things. He body shamed me while at the same time told me how much he loved me. It started out with pure love and turned into toxic jealousy and control over each other. I loved him so purely and I was so attached to him that anytime he would blow up on me and say we’re done I would go crazy and text him a million times and be very self destructive the time we were apart.. note this was a weekly thing. Breaking up every other week over the stupidest little things he would get angry about. He told me what I could wear and what I couldn’t, he got so angry at me if I talked to or even looked in the direction of another male. I felt trapped but I also felt secure with him and held onto the good memories with him so I never left. After 9 straight months of absolute toxic craziness, begging for him to love me and treat me right, begging for him back when he would break up with me over little things that were nothing.. I never cheated or texted other guys or did anything that would make him angry. I am a very loyal person and I was screamed at constantly for things that didn’t even happen. I broke my back to do anything for him any minute that he needed me. It’s so embarrassing that I was like that but I was holding on to the pure sweet love that we had started off with.. anyways after 9 months I finally realized this was ridiculous and that he was never going to change and that I was never going to be good enough for him.. I slept with someone else. I had been seeing my ex bf whatever you wanna call him, but we were just hanging out again after our 1000th break up. Our break ups would last a week and then we would get back together. we were in a phase where he decided that if I could prove trust to him then we’d get back together officially.. stupid right.. anyways we got in a huge fight because I wanted to go to my best friends house and hangout with her for the night. So me being fed up with him I was like ya know what?! I’m gonna go to my best friends house and drink and have a good night without him wether he likes it or not.. so I went, there were guys there that are my friends and I told my ex, bf, friend, whatever you wanna call him.. I told him that those guys were there and that I did not know they were going to be there because i truly didn’t I thought it would be a girls night, anyways I told him that I’m literally not doing anything with any guy and that I would FaceTime him anytime to show him what I’m doing. Anyways I got wasted out of my mind, my ex ends up ignoring my texts for hours bc he’s mad that I went and didn’t leave to hangout with him. So he ignores me for hours then finally texts back and says “leave me tf alone. My friends made me realize I don’t need you in my life. You do you, and I’ll do me.” SO WHEN I READ THE TEXT I TOOK it like any normal person you would and assume he had just ended it with me right?! So after reading the text I said okay bet. I was drunk and angry asf… so I threw my phone at the wall and went back to drinking more and hanging out. Here’s the bad part, I made out with a guy, AND THEN HAD SEX WITH A GUY. 2 different guys in the same night. I live in a small town and word gets tf around. I felt awful the next day. it was truly a mistake and I know being drunk isn’t an excuse but as far as I knew, I was single for the night and I was fed up with my ex so I did ME. I was tired of being loyal to him even when we would break up. Loyal as fuck the entire time even when he was ignoring me for days then getting back with me when he wanted someone to have sex with.. so yeah I had sex with a dude, and made out with a dude… the next day I could not keep it in to save my life, I had to tell him before someone else did. I wanted him to hear it from me. So I told him, he blocked me on everything and then later texted me and body shamed me so bad, called me a piece of shit hoe and that I needed to kill my self. I was apologizing telling him it was truly a mistake and I understand that it hurt him really bad. It truly ended things for good, but atleast I told him what I did and didn’t lie.
So he was so hurt and pissed and told the entire town that I was nasty, that I smell bad, that I have no boobs no ass and that I was just something to fuck. Now the whole town thinks I’m this slutty girl that sleeps with anyone when I’m not I literally can’t forgive myself for doing it. I wake up every day hating myself along with everyone hating me and thinking I’m a nasty hoe that cheated on him. I don’t see it as cheating, I think I finally broke away and realized I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he had treated me for 9months. I think I actually did something that saved me from him doing anymore damage to me. I feel guilt and shame. I feel like I “cheated” when we weren’t even officially back together. Yes it was too soon, but I was drunk and had been telling him for weeks that I was fed up and past my point with his bullshit. And I never cheated on him once while we were together, I was dumb and in love with him, willing to die for this stupid boy. Also I caught him hanging out with his ex and cheating on me WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER. When I slept with this guy we were not together in my opinion bc he told me he didn’t need me in his life. Long ass story and sorry that it’s all scattered I’m typing fast, but I just don’t know when I’m going to forgive myself, when I’m going to stop feeling like a nasty slut and all the mean things he said to me and to other people about me. I feel like everyone thinks I’m this person that I’m not. I don’t know what to do and I wake up every day with this gut wrenching feeling that I need to die and that I’m a nasty slut that no one wants.. I feel like I screwed up all of my chances with anyone else in this town and I want to move away and start fresh but I have to finish cosmetology school first. I just can’t forgive myself and I have no one to talk to and I’m tired of hating myself and feeling so misunderstood. He has kept me blocked on everything since this all happened and it’s been 2 weeks. So it is for real this time we are done. Every day I either hate him or I’m crying my eyes out texting him on texting apps telling him how sorry I am and that I wish I could go back and change what I did. This boy did me so wrong for 9 months of my life and had me at the lowest I’ve ever been, and I do ONE BAD THING for the first time and it ends everything. I stuck with him no matter what he did to me, I put up with so much of his shit because we were comfortable together and I could not see myself getting that close with another male ever again… anyways I feel so alone and gross and I can’t forgive myself and I don’t know what to do
We’re so sorry to read what you’re going through. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or thinking about hurting yourself or others, please seek immediate help. Call 911, go to your closest emergency room, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. This national network of local crisis centers provides free support, and someone is always available to talk.
You can also find a list of other helpful resources here, such as the Crisis Text Line, National Domestic Violence Hotline, and more. Remember, life can get better with the right help. https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/immediate-help/