How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
Alex, I have to get this off my chest. We used to be such good friends in middle school. Orchestra was filled with laughter and happiness. I don’t know what happened. I thought it was my fault. I don’t know if it was something i said or did. Or if it is just me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t even say hi to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t even look you in the eye when we passed each other. Alex, if you ever find yourself reading this, just know I missed sharing laughter with you. You are very talented artist. I will continue to support your art. My life is filled so many regrets. This is just the first step for forgiving myself. I hope I can bring myself to talk to you before you see this.
For years I have been struggling with guilt. Guilt of so much
Guilt of keeping the baby that was forced onto me. In an abusive relationship, experiencing sexual, physical, emotional and financial abuse condemned me to feeling like a failure of a mother because I condemned a child to a life of unhappiness because of his father. That guilt has eaten at me everyday. I feel like this situation would have given me guilt no matter what decision I made 7 years ago. If I aborted, I would have lost out on the amazing little boy who I get to be a mom to. But keeping him. Having that baby I didn’t want. I wasn’t ready for. I feel like I’ve condemned him. Condemned him to a life knowing his mother never really wanted him even though she would never go back and change it. Condemned him to a life where he may grow up and suffer from anxiety and depression just like I do because I know my mom didn’t want me. Do I feel guilty? Yes. Should I? I want to say yes, but I feel like I shouldn’t after reading the article. I made a “mistake”…. a mistake that wasn’t even a mistake for me to make. It was something forced upon me. I was coherced into sex… raped… I was raped. let’s call it like it is. He raped me daily and hid my birth control so I couldn’t take it regularly. He ensured I would get pregnant, despite me telling him I wasn’t ready, because that is what he wanted. And when that 2nd line came up on that piece of plastic…. my 18 year old heart stopped because I knew, I knew in that moment I never had a choice. And I would never have a choice…. He wanted a baby and he would stop at nothing to get it. I mentioned abortion once and he threatened to kill me…. I made the mistake of not seeing him for the abuser he was and getting out sooner. But that 1st mistake… It allowed him to rob me of my choices. The choice of when I wanted to be a mom and if I was ready. I don’t know if these sentences make sense anymore. I just started typing what came to mind as a way to let it all out and release 7 years of hating myself for a mistake I didn’t see coming. For a “mistake” who is my son. Who isn’t a mistake at all. I don’t want to change him or take him back. But the mistake is that I condemned him to a life of self hate…. The same kind of self hate I feel right now. How do you forgive yourself of that? How do you forgive yourself for something you never had any control over but it’s eaten away at you ever since? Am I to blame? Do I forgive myself because I never should have felt this way or do I forgive myself because I’m human and made a mistake? I think the answer is ….. Both.
I need to accept that I did make a mistake, that I made a decision to stay with a dangerous man, a decision that I regret, but have come to realize that it was my only option at the time. I’m sure some of you may read this and think “you could have left”. And you’re right, I could have. But did I see that as an option when I was 18? No. I was scared and felt alone in a world where the only thing that made sense was him. And he fed on that. He strategically said and did things to ensure I felt more isolated. The more isolated you make someone feel, the less likely they are to leave because it’s human nature to continue to do things that are “known” to you. In hindsight I see what he was doing, and I want to grab my own face and scream “what are you doing?! Are you blind?! RUN!”, but as an 18 year old girl, I just saw a man who “loved” me. So I guess it’s coming to terms with the fact that I made a decision I now regret. And that decision was to stay. That was my mistake. And it led to having choices taken from me which led to other “mistakes”. But I made that decision based on the information I had at the time. And that information, now realizing was fabricated information from my abusive ex, was the only information I had to go off of; I made the best decision I could with that information in that moment. Should I fault myself for that now? Probably not, I did what I thought was best at the time and just because this present time has showcased that decision to be wrong, doesn’t necessarily mean I should beat myself up over that decision. I should forgive myself and realize that I can only learn from past mistakes. I may not have been able to see what my ex was doing to me then, but I am aware now. And it means I have taken that power back. I can now take that power and use it to make the choices I want to make going forward.
i loose my virginity ….and i am feeling very bad for that just because i have decided with myself that i’ll do whenever i’ll get married ..it was good tho; but i didn’t want that..i love him and i want love but not on that cost … i told him before that i don’t wanna make this move … then why he did !!!!! what should i do now ! i am feeling very guilty with myself …and just feeling shame on me..