How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Im a 16 year old girl and I constantly beat myself up for my past; i’m ashamed and embarrassed about it that I don’t talk about it much with people. I’ve always put myself down for it and it makes me so unahppy. I tell myself to let it go but I just simply can’t.
When I was a freshman, I wanted to try drugs and stuff, so I found people who would let me try it, but then it became a ruteined thing and I beegan aving family problems, so I turned to that to make me feel better. I then began to drink and smoke on regular bases. It’s ben 8 months since i’ve stopped and dropped the friends who do that stuff and I just feel like I should be over it, but I’m not.
It started in 8th grade when I started sending pictures to guys. It started with one boy who I really liked and I trusted him a lot. He then tormented me about them but then he apologized and of course I forgave him. I would send him stuff and he would screenshot them and block me on whatever we were using. He never sent me anything back, so I don’t know why I sent stuff to him. This lasted for about a year until I realized what I was doing was wrong. I then sent stuff too 3 other guys and every time I think back on this stuff, it just makes me feel so disgusting and gross, but for some reason I just can’t let go of it, i’m just so ashamed of what I did and I hate talking about it so much. I jus barely started talking about it with my boyfriend. I’m just so afraid what he thinks about me.
Scott
I have spent my life (I’m now 54 years old. I rebelled against my parents, who hurt me deeply. I learned to close off inside myself and dwell in my suffering. As a recovering alcoholic I have begun to practice the appreciation and gratitude for what is in front of me right now. I still feel the weight of past regrets, especially about money. I also have a compulsive gambling disorder that when unchecked wreaks havoc in my life. I embarrassed myself and my family. The bright side in all this is that I have experienced a greater peace inside myself by practicing present moment awareness, where I can silence my sometimes relentless chatter which is mostly all about the heavy me that I continue to carry around. I’m not sure what will happen but Im just completely worn out by carring all this. I just cant do it anymore. I have started using physical activity and better eating to help improve my mental and emotional state. This is helping. T think the hardest thing to deal with is an internal feeling of loneliness and disconnectedness from life and others. I know I am the one who created and holds these barriers. Even after 10 years of active and relatively successful addiction recovery, I still feel bound to the past. I want to be able to see my past as a learning experience rather than a horrible series of events. I screwed up in big ways. Most of my family hss forgiven me. Its so selfishly ironic that I am the main one still holding all this against myself. I feel lighter more often. I suppose its just a work in progress to completely drop denial of what really happened, accept it and focus on the now. Thanks for the opportunity to share in this way. Grace to you all.
Just got divorced after eighteen years, I let a lot f things happen that I shouldn’t have, so husband filled and has put all the blame on me, I am feeling really guilty and he is not taking any blame for this. I just really am blaming myself and feeling like god and my family are really ashamed of me