How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
I had a lot of anxiety during my past relationship that ended less than a year ago. That anxiety turned into controlling behavior towards my partner. We eventually broke up and cut off communication. I found out how she really felt and how I hurt her and broke down her self esteem through my compulsive, controlling behavior. I feel extremely guilty and ashamed that I wasn’t able to change during the relationship. That it kept going. That I couldn’t pick my battles. Everything was a problem. I was always disappointed. All of this made her feel bad. And just now I’m really starting to realize how this hurt her. I feel like a terrible person for hurting her. And no one wants to console the abuser. As she claimed me to be an emotional abuser. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I did love her so how could I have done this. All the little things that added up. Life is strange but I feel that I had to go thru this pain and self hate to truely learn from my mistakes. The break up had to happen. I feel ashamed and weak for not being able to change as much as I should have in the time of the relationship. I feel like a child who needs to be punished in order to learn my lesson. I feel pathetic.
So depress , through the night when i close my eyes , i randomly think the past and thats the start of all night thinking , lack of sleep and always i want to forgive my self , buy i cant :'(
I have suffered dispersion for a few days passed. I got rejected by someone who was I really sincere and wanted to make a life with. But just because we are live far away from each other and about the different of languages it’s made us a mistakes sometimes. Just because he was expected too much about my behavior and just because I showing him my true color! He couldn’t accept anymore. Is funny when I can accepted him but he can’t about me. I chased him for 4-5 days I’m not sure and I was so rude to him! That’s the worst ever in my life to chase men and spoken out the bad words. I felt so bad about my bad words, I felt disgusting myself, I can’t believe that I would say that. But just because the anger inside me I think. I was so down and felt so bad for days. Then I decided to sent him a message that I really apologize for my bad words. I hope he can forgive me, but doesn’t matter the main point of sent him a message was just I wanted to tell him that I felt guilty about what I spoken out with the bad words. Those bad words made my life worst. I try to stop thinking about that, and after so him apologize I feel better cuz I know well myself that I’m not a bad mouthed.