How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Hi,
I was fired from my job for eating food without paying for it. I was a manager making 45k a year supporting my family. I can’t stop thinking about what a dumb mistake the entire thing was. I even confessed to more than they had proof of and was charged with a felony. I can’t fall asleep at night these days because I can’t stop thinking about everything and everyone I let down.
There was a friend in my friend group, Friend A, who was distancing herself, she never made an effort to stay part of the group and everyone else in the friend group stopped making an effort to include her. Despite this her and I remained fairly close, but the friendship in between us began to feel one sided, and Friend A did some things to me where she ceased to be a good friend. I heard Friend A said something bad about another of our friend’s passion, her food blog. In my anger, I told my friend that Friend A had said bad things about her food blog. In addition to this, I let her know that Friend A was hating on her involvement in an extracurricular she was passionate about, leaving out that I too had hated on it at one point. Long story short, word got around and Friend A found out that I had said this. She obviously ended our friendship, stating that she wouldn’t disclose that I had also said negative things and that my friends could believe that I was innocent. While Friend A wasn’t a good friend in our friendship, I still feel immensely guilty over whats happened and I can’t stop thinking about it. I know Friend A has gotten over it, I want to clear my conscience but I don’t know how to apologize with the right words without stirring the pot and creating drama again.
I want to let go of what happened while living with an active addict. I want to let go of the guilt and remorse I have for abusive, wrong things that happened while living with addiction, to me and my children. I want to let go of not leaving the situation even after bad things happened. I want to let go of my codependenc , my fears, my not feeling good enough. I need to release that the one chance I had at making a great family and how I feel I blew it when I didn’t have good boundaries to keep my kids safe. Even in sobriety, after 17 years of living with sobriety, I find it hard to forgive myself and my spouse for what happened. I have made my life small and feel like I missed opportunities. I realized with the help of al-anon, that I was just as sick as the addict and therefore need to show myself compassion. But that is very hard. I know holding onto the past is not allowing me to fully live in the present. The past can’t be changed, the present is all we have. My goal is to be present now and live as best I can now. Let the past go.