How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
i give up everyone in my life because of my beliefs which was a delusion. (I only realize now that it was a delusion) now I feel like i was left behind, i dont even want them to see me because I’m so ashamed for what I’d said from the past and also being a failure (loser). afraid to go outside because maybe someone will laugh at me for being stupid. i wish i can forget all those stupid things I did in the past. im seeking peace of mind.
KN,
I have been depressed for about 3 months and is killing me. I have an amazing and very supportive gf, wonderful parents, good friends, and I live in a place where everyone would dream to live, but I’m aguilty of many things I have done in my life and disappointed at my self for win 40 with no career despite having the potential to be successful. I’m guilty of how selfish I have been, and of losing 4 jobs in 7 months because of bad judgment and negativity. Just now I’m realizing how negative I have been for so many years despite having everything a person could dream of. I took many things for granted, I could have helped many people close to me and I didn’t. I feel guilty and cannot forgive myself. I still don’t understand how I didn’t see these things before. Only now that I’m in a tough spot with no job, and no money I’m realizing things that I should have realized long time ago. My gf tells me that this is a good thing, it’s an improvement, because the old me was too negative and eventually would have ruined our relationship. I guess I get where she’s coming from, but to me this is painful. I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and I hate cigarettes, I can’t get motivated to work out, I don’t want to socialize with anyone because I’m miserable, the only time I have fun is when I drink and I don’t like drinking, but alcohol makes me normal, funny and makes me forget. Not sure what to do or come out of this.
There are many things I regret that I need to forgive myself for. I need to share them.
1. At my first job when I was 16 I stole a bottle of wine from a catering event. I told a coworker. The next day, my supervisor pulled me aside and told me that an HR employee saw alcohol in my car, but I think someone saw me take it or my coworker told on me. They weren’t going to fire me, but I quit 2 days later because of the shame I felt. Another supervisor there had said something sexually harassing to me as well that made me feel uncomfortable so I wanted to leave. My father still works there. If anything got out about this it would be a mess, even though it was 3 years ago and it has probably just been forgotten. I just tucked the situation under the carpet. I have anxiety sometimes that it’ll come up again, even though that it highly unlikely.
2. I shoplifted and was caught.
3. At my best friend’s mother’s wedding, I left to go to the mother’s house to steal a bottle of vodka. My friend asked me to do it and gave me the address and door code. I also drank from the open bar at the wedding and was caught and the mother pulled me aside and asked me not to do that. She found out the next day that I took the bottle of vodka and that we were drinking at her wedding. I feel like I ruined their wedding day. They were so angry at me. My parents were beyond disappointed. It was a shameful time.
It is time to forgive myself.
I hope all of you find forgiveness because you deserve it. We’re only human, we have the power to change. Mistakes are part of life.