How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
i am 15 but things i did when i was 10-11 still haunt me. i made slightly racist comment about a tv show to a friend and she looked at me with disgust.
i was uneducated about this topic, and had no idea what i was saying. i don’t even know where i got this horrible mindset, society maybe?
anyways we are still friends but it feels like she hates me because of who i used to be.
i have changed immensely and look back with regret and shame. i was an immature and uneducated child. we never really talked about this type of stuff at home. and now it feels like she is better than me in every way.
i have started hurting myself because i feel i need to punish myself. i know what i did was wrong and i have changed because of it, but the guilt/shame still lingers.
i dunno if this comment thread will do anything except remind me of my wrongs but it’s worth a shot i guess.
Its easy to look back on minor comments of the past and judge yourself, but please don’t dwell. Its an extremely politically charged time, and as you grow you will learn that these kinds of things are common and not an indictment of your character. There’s a lot of guilt tripping and shaming going around now a days for nothing, and its unfair for you to be hating yourself at such a young age. Life is not as serious as it seems right now. You are wonderful exactly how you are.
At the age of 20 my boyfriend of 1 year and I had just had our first baby together. We were struggling with things and communication wasn’t great. I was a stay at home mom and wanted to go out at night to a club but he wasn’t interested in that so he stayed home with our baby while I went with friends. I ended up cheating on him, I kissed another guy, that is as far as it ever went. We went through a terrible time and break up but then found our way back to each other within a few months. We wanted to try again for our kid, he forgave me for the incident. We’ve been together now for 13 years and I still carry the guilt for this. I don’t know how to let it go. I made a mistake and it’s never happened again in our 13 years, I’m a grown woman now and I shouldn’t feel ashamed. I’ve more than “made up” for it if keeping tabs was a thing but still can’t shake it.
I did a horrible mistake. I trusted my fiance enough to send my grandma in a train to my mom’s home when she has come to live with me because i trusted my fiance & got a job in a new city so that i can be married to him. I was not enjoying my first marriage, so it was not a happy place to be. I couldnt’ accept the constraints or the lack of the movie like love in that. I divorced that person mutually. I understand now that i was childish & it was wrong. The divorce was a wrong move, but i have done that. Similarly, i have hurt my grandma, my mom, dad, sisters in marrying without thier consent to the person i thought i loved. But he didnt love me. He loved his imaginary version of a wife who he thinks he needs so that his life can run smoothly. Do you understand the controversy here? Nobody can other person’s life run smoothly. It is us. It falls upon our shoulders to take up the resposnsibility to make our life better. He is still my husband. We have a 4 year old son. He is still not happy about anything. About me, him, us, the world. Anything. Im struggling to make ends meet. Im the single earning member of thefamily. I shouldnt have hurt my parents, grandma, sisters & the old husband & his family. I was wrong. But by continuiing this guilt Im hurting myself which is not solving any purpose. Also, i carry a remorse against my present husband. He used to physically abuse me. I was in a fix because i trusted him & i have turned against my family. It took me so many years to stand up agaiinst him. He is not doing it physically. But he has found other ways. I know im powerful enough to stand up against him. If i can do it once, i can do it again. Then why am i holding the remorse? I request & i receive forgiveness. I trust in the universe;s enormous guiding power to guide me in future. SO i dont have to hold a grudge against my husband. Thank you universe.