How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Last year I applied for a job I really wanted at a radio station. They called me and asked me to come in for an interview right away and I was so excited. I seemed like I was getting along really well with everyone. When the hiring manager introduced me to one of the DJs, he even said “This is one of our top candidates for the position.” That made me feel really good. And then they told me they wanted me to have a phone interview with the person who was leaving the position for a TV gig to see if it would be a good fit. I thought I did really well in that phone interview too. But at a point the phone conversation shifted to personal chit-chat, about our personal lives and families. She asked about my partner and I said that he worked as an on-air talent in the media. Then she got kind of quiet. She said the knew the TV business really well and was worried we would leave if my partner got a better job. I tried to save it and said that if I was hired for the position I would give it my all, even if my partner and I had to do long distance. I was really serious about the radio job. I really tried to save it. We were cordial to each other and then ended the phone interview. I felt really defeated. I could just tell things were over. And a few days later, the radio station called back and said they were moving in another direction. I tried to tell them the same thing I told the person I had my phone interview with, but it wasn’t enough. I sent them an email thanking them for their time and consideration anyway. That was over a year ago and my partner did get a different job and we did end up moving, but I really would have made long distance work if I could have gotten that radio station job. I have a different job now and am happy, but I still feel really bad and guilty. I don’t like disappointing people and I feel like they really were going to hire me if I hadn’t slipped up and said the wrong thing. I feel worthless and small. And I feel like I wasted the hiring manager’s time. I wish them no ill will at all, I hope they’re having a very successful run. But I can’t stop feeling so terrible.
i used to be very prejudice/borderline racist as a kid. i hated the poc in my class, and when my parents jokingly said i was going to play with them the next day, i got extremely angry and broke an object. im 16 now, and its been at least 8 years since then. i regret my hatred so much, and i genuinely believe im an awful person because i dont know where i got that racism from. my parents say they never taught me to hate anyone of color, but i know theyve said racist things before. i want to forgive myself, but i dont think i can. i would never say, react, or think that way today, but i still feel so guilty.
I met someone years ago who I know believes they’re in love with me still. Even though I’m in a committed relationship we started to talk again January 2020 after I mistakenly and intoxicatedly messaged him about potentially meeting up and hanging out “as friends” even though I knew he wanted more. We continued to chat throughout the pandemic from different countries and the safety net of knowing we cannot actually be in person kept the inappropriate relationship ongoing. We spoke on whatasapp and on the phone, I kept things friendly, not romantic, and always reinforced we are “friends” but KNEW that he wanted more and thinks he loves me and would drop anything to be with me. I feel horribly selfish. I feel weak for liking the attention and for stealing time from him. I feel like I used him because I like what we had even though I wouldn’t let it ever cross a certain line. He told me he’s ready to be friends and I doubled down on the fact I have a partner and he backed off and said okay, I know that and you have told me that, and I’ve loved you for 5 years, I know I cannot be your friend and I’d just be trying to change your mind. I feel sick about it and knowing we will likely never see one another in our lives again because of distance and I just feel like a gross person even though I do hold a place of love for him. I know this is the right thing for my current relationship too and I’m so relieved to not be speaking. I just keep myself up sometimes thinking about what wreckage I may have caused and how unfair I’ve been to everyone involved.