How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I was in a relationship 5 years ago. It was a sucky relationship where my boyfriend continuously belittled me and kept telling me I wasn’t good enough for him. I was young and he was my first boyfriend and I completely believed him when he said that he’s the best I can get. When we started working we moved to different cities. At my place of work I met another guy. I was a pleasant little girl, I made friends with that guy and one day he admitted that he had a crush on me. I ignored it for a while but then in some time I figured he could not get over his crush. So one day I sat him down and explained to him that I cannot stay in touch with him and that he needs to get over his crush. That day he asked me to kiss him. I. Refused. He persisted. He said “do it for the good times we’ve had. It’s not like its romantic. Just do it coz I love you so much.” And foolish me,I did it. A peck on the lips, it was.I asked him to leave and he did. Only to return Ina few days threatening me that if I didn’t sleep with him he’d tell my boyfriend that I had kissed him. I protested, I begged, I asked to go do whatever he wants until one day he caught hold of my father’s number. He stated threatening me that he would call my father and tell him that not only was I sleeping with my boyfriend I also kissed him. I was scared and worried and I agreed to sleep with him. Once. He still didn’t stop threatening me. I lost my patience. I went ahead told my boyfriend everything. He broke up but not before he abused me, hit me for months.
I felt helpless, I felt raped, I felt used. I could not look at myself in the mirror for months. My boyfriend abused me, called me a slut and threatened to call my father again. This time I didn’t give a shit. I had learnt my lesson. I moved from the city,switched jobs and decided to start my life over.
I still don’t know if it was really my fault. I know I should never have listened to that person in the first place. But I suffered, I suffered more than I should have. My then boyfriend, and that guy didn’t lose I thing. I lost respect for myself.
I still haven’t forgiven myself and k don’t know why I can’t.
I want to let go the past. I have been a narcasistic asshole. A drug addict. A fraud. A liar. I’ve been awkward. I’ve made a fool of myself. I’ve embarrassed myself during drug binges. I’ve embarrassed myself thinking I was closer with people than I really was. I want to let go of my anxieties and fear that I’m not good enough of a person to have friends. I isolate myself because I feel like such a disgusting human being for being so self centered in the past. I have a big heart but I have been an aweful person. I’ve been socially retarded and have had poor social skills due to isolating and excessive social media usage. I’m getting better now that I don’t use social media much and am off drugs but the pain still stays with me. I’m so scared to get close.
Hey I love Australia and its people and i wont hate them and i am sorry to not understand ones sexual interests and asking a straight guy if i can touch him. I never force touched but just asked if he is fine if i touch him and he said NO and I did not force him and left him alone. Yes, i did not force touch or behave inappropriate so I am glad I asked before advancing.I feel weird about it. At the end while leaving his hotel room I tried to steal his costly sunglasses as a revenge that he didn’t accept my proposal and made me stick with him while he was drunk and me protecting him to not get into fights and just hanging around with him for no personal gain. I don’t regret the asking for sexual contact part as it was all good where I asked and he said no and its fine but the stealing part i feel weird. lesson learnt is don’t expect sex from a person just because he/she started speaking with you randomly when they are drunk(they can call an assault tomorrow) and even after they said they are not interested in anything like that(that is an assault now). I tried to steal coz i was angry that i didnt get what i wanted. So I will not expect sex from a random person at least after they clearly say no and never take it personal about their decision and interest in having sexual contact as everyone has preferences. I had good time with that guy in the casino and knew new stuff about his place and answered his questions about US too.