How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
I want to let go of my issue with my wife’s ex-boyfriend/ freinds of the family. When me and my wife met, she had a best freind, that I found out a year later that they were intimate together. I was completely caught off guard at the time. I tried to be freinds and forgive because it was only a year in the relationship. I told her I couldn’t be with her after that because of her baggage. She pushed wanting to stay together and went to playing behind her back. I felt at the time since she had her ex as a family freind it was ok. I felt because I went to her and let her know how I felt about him being around affected me and she just kept saying, I can’t do anything about it. It is what it is. Well after ignoring my wishes, I just started hanging out and feeling free. Fast forward a few years and we got married and I even let her invite her ex. The same guy I told her he appeared to still have feelings for her. Any, within the first year, I told her I had been unfaithful before we married. She was really upset and told her I was sorry, but that’s the way it was. She then called on him for support just like she had done times before. Well it got really bad for a few years and then I was sent an email, by anonymous person saying that the 2 of them were still involved and have always been. Everything just went south from there with me. I showed her the email a couple of months later and she started crying, saying who sent this to me and even claiming I made it up to break up with her. Well in my mind I had to get out, so a few months later, I moved out, but still went back and forth to help out for a few years and signed up for divorce, but I didn’t follow through. I ended moving back a few years later to help out, but not to stay. I’ve kept a separate address ever since then. A lot of this had to do with my wife’s swinger type past relationships of which she always would hide information even though she was dealing with her previous circle of freinds. Fast toward to know. I take care of my kid with her and pay most of the bills, and as of a year ago, I was able to quit drinking period. I started drinking shortly after I found about her best freind/ freinds with benefits story. I started socially, but later I became an alcoholic. Over the past 6 years and failed attempts, I was able to put it down for good. Now since I quit, the first 6 months of building myself up and taking it day to day, I started having a better time with my wife and after a long Cold War between us, we started sleeping together again and being social. Over the years, my wife would say or express interest in swinger type activity, saying she was having fantisies. After hearing and noticing her watching adult movies and me included, I ask her did she want a threesome. She laughed and later told me she was offended. I told if your interested you don’t have to sit and reminisce or have fantisies, we could do it ourselves. She later explained she did not want to bring that in her marriage. I said you seem to miss it. She said no. I reminded her, that she was all gun ho to do it after we got married, but our bad relationship kept us from being close. Now I feel like I’m stuck in something I didn’t sign up for and I’m just not happy with her attitude. I’m not saying I’m a saint in all of this, but we were younger and went tit for tat on each other. She later told me she just told me that she would have a threesome with me, so we could get married. I told her that I understand it was years ago, but I feel really disrespected by her lies and had I known at the time, it may have changed our direction to getting married. I just feel as I will never have that friendship I never had and I still will at times have to deal with the ex if I associate with her family. What should I do
Even after 40 years I still feel the guilt of past abortions. I tried justifying at the time, but in my heart I always knew the babies were alive and what I did was murder. As a Christian, God has forgiven me, and although I’ve forgiven myself I still struggle with regret. I’ve also struggled with losing my temper which has caused more hurt than I can catalogue; the consequences have been dire with more severed relationships than I can count. Many I have hurt are no longer even available to forgive me, and some have refused to do so. I can live with the consequences, but the memories are often more than I can handle.
I want to let go of feeling worthless. I have a boyfriend who I love very much and i feel like I don’t deserve him. I hate my ex boyfriend and wished I never dated him. I wish I never had sex before meeting the guy I’m with now. I’m angry that I’ve been nice and let people take advantage of me. I’m just so angry! I want to feel like I’m good enough for my boyfriend because he deserves the world. I hate the guy friends who pushed my limits when I said no to being more than just friend. I hate the guy friend who put his arm around me and I should have slapped him across the face! I hate feeling worthless and I hate blaming myself all the time. I just want to feel good enough for once. I’m angry at the guys who took advantage of my kindness and sometimes I wish I could encounter them once more and tell them that they’re jerks and the way they made me feel was wrong. I just want to let go of the past and feel happy. PLEASE PAST LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME ENJOY THE NOW!