How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Ruining a perfectly good 26 year marriage, don’t know how I could let a thing lol me this happen
There was this woman i met at work that at first i was not interested in,but for whatever reason i found her more attractive later on, talked to her a few times learned she’s a religious baptist and that she wasn’t seeing anyone. Due to my oneitis(means obsession with a woman that she is the only one for you, soul mate etc)i always interacted with her in a needy desperate even pathetic way. I tried getting her number one time on the last day of our seasonal work period and got turned down politely so i thought that would be the end of it. Next year she’s still working at the same seasonal job i am and i actually got some approach invitations from her multiple times but again i made conversation with her always feel awkward or silent.Later that year when the seasonal work required callback workers she showed up at work again and i found out she was married, after that we didnt talk for a while since obviously, moral complications abound and i realized i wasnt moving things along with her anyways, what i did next eats at me the most to this day, walked with her to the parking lot after work and tried hitting on her by making a comment on her sexy legs despite her objection of “you do know I’m married right? multiple times i sensed she very uncomfortable and wanted to eject herself from the conversation and i didn’t leave her alone, and i also started to qualify myself to her by talking about typical stupid things like making more money and going to the gym to look more impressive. Before i made it known i really liked her she would still talk to me from time to time, now i really regret ever making a move on her, i have to live with the fact that everyday i see her at work, things are ackward i avoid her and she has to avoid me, dont blame her though, i’m now most likely a super creep in her eyes, for my part ignoring someone is hard work and it pains me that i have to purposely never make eye contact or even look in her general direction for fear that she might think i might try to hit on her again.
Started when I was a freshman in high school. I got screwed over by a girl in a very very bad way. And was in a very bad place. Then I started dating a girl I liked, and ended up screwing up on her. I lied about it… And I felon with the wrong crowd and started doing drugs and I didn’t even enjoy but was trying to be cool and fit in! Terrible anxiety and put myself in a lock bad situations. And did a lot of stupid things… I have had a series of failed relationships and just latched on to anybody whether I was in love or not and tried to force it to work… I ended up hurting some people and wasting their time. I talked one girlfriend into having an abortion because I could not see a future or kids with her yet I was still with her. I did a lot of acting out sexually, even with the same sex… two years ago I met a girl, I screwed up with her also and acted out in our relationship. She for gave me. I thought she was too good because I was a bartender in my late 30s and she had a great career as a nurse. I would get extremely jealous when she talk to my brother because he was also in nursing school and they had a lot to talk about. I felt too bad about the ways I screwed up on her and decided to leave… I had a full emotional and mental breakdown, thought I was going crazy and losing my mind with intense anxiety and fear and shame over my past and the way I behaved and my jealousy. Funny thing is I was always a really good guy other than having no self-control and insecurity issues with relationships… I was a very caring person… With the breakdown I experienced extreme depression, severe severe anxiety and emptiness like you wouldn’t believe with a suicidal thoughts. I got no sleep and went crazy, even delusional, and developed bad OCD. All I could think about was my past and my fears about being with this girl and all my mistakes I’ve ever made in life… We are now hanging out again but it feels very sketchy because I’m afraid The feelings of insecurity could come back again… I don’t want to hurt her again and I don’t want to Be hurt myself again…. It’s hard to look at myself in the eye sometimes thinking how cowardly I acted or it’s hard to look at myself in the eye sometimes thinking how cowardly I acted when I left the first time… I still wonder why she for gave me.. She was a dotted and I wonder if when I left made her feel even more abandoned… I hate thinking about my past mistakes and people that I’ve hurt. I want to let go of the past and heal.