How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I sometimes feel like I am going to die soon. I had suicidal thought several times since 2013. I never tried to commit suicide so far, because I care about my parents, siblings and friends who care me. I do not want to make other people unhappy. My life is meaningless. I am lost and miserable. I tried many things to overcome my depression. I meet counselor for 2 months, took a meditation course, did lot of sports and moved to other country to change my life. I am still having pain in my heart. I feel guilty and lost everyday. Even I have a good job and bunch of friends. I hate my self so bad and I do not like what I did for myself and my love. I was in a relationship for 6 years until 2012. It happened in March 2012, we had a fight and I was so angry with my ex boyfriend. I broke up with him because I was so angry and arrogant. He loved me so much and understood me deeply. I was so stupid. After breaking up,deep down I was thinking about that we will get together again. But we never did. I was hoping that was just a regular fight and anger from me. But he was too tired about having me in his life.After several months, I asked him to see each other again. I asked probably 3-4 times to get back together. He never said yes. He was just too tired. I finally understand I love him so much and our relationship was so real. But I was too late. I was patient and hoping that he was going to come back. But it never happened. After 1 year and 8 months later, I was surfing on Facebook and saw him holding other girl. I was so shocked and feels like I lost everything. Afterwards we meet. He told me that he is going to have a baby with other women. But he told me that he still loves me so much and he will never forget me. He said it just happened and he took responsibility because baby is his child. I totally understand this situation and tried to overcome until today. It has been 3 years and 8 months now since we broke up and 2 years passed since I found out he was going to have a baby. But I still could not overcome. Why I can’t overcome. I hate my self for being lost and being not that smart and strong to overcome this type of thing. Now my ex boyfriend lives with his wife and his child happily. Since that time, I dated 2 guys. And I am in a relationship with one of them and we have been together for 1 year 2 months now. I am not that happy for my current relationship. I feel like I have times to forget my ex boyfriend and but most of time I feel empty and unhappy. I live in painful and unhappy life. How hard I try, it makes worse. I cry so much since that night I found out my ex boyfriend’s going to have a child. I challenged my self to do bigger things. But it does not work. Because of all these, I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate my self. I hate my stupidity. I hate my unlucky life. I want a love, but I could not find. I want a peace in my inner, but I could not build in my mind. That’s why I hate myself so much. I am in my early 30s, I feel like i am too old and late to find a love again in my life. I am too old to find a love again. All the people in my age, they already found a love, husband and wife. It felt like no one left. Now I just need to get married and to have a children in my life. Right now, that’s what I want from my life. I am giving up about love. I just need a good husband and having a children with my husband.I understood most precious thing of love so late. I was too late to understand. I never appreciated when I was in relationship with my ex boyfriend. I never appreciated our love so deep. I was so stupid. I was too arrogant. After understanding my love, I was too late. How women are unlucky. How men are lucky. This world is men’s world. Women are followers in this world. Also age, it matters a lot. People say age is not only number and something like this. But it matters. When I get old, I starts losing options. My opportunities, possibilities and options are shrinking. That’s life. I should have understood early. I am in a unhappy relationship, because I do not have many choices of guys. I just do not want to be alone and I need to get married before it is too late. Otherwise, everyone will judge and need to stay alone until death. We do not have that many opportunities. If there is someone out there, reading this. Whenever there is an opportunity, use it, enjoy it and appreciate it. I just wrote everything in my mind right now. I didn’t care about my intelligence and writing style and whatever. Sorry for that.
I hope, I will find happy life again and wish everyone here happy life ahead.
Feel so ashamed and guilty for getting stressed. I hit my husband as he was provoking me.I have severe anxiety and he went through a phase of being nasty and now I just cant cope with the shame anymore
I have failed my family emotionally and financially. I have emotionally adandoned my husband and because of my own self loathing used words to hurt him.