How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to say sorry for contributing to the breakdown of my marriage. I have been plagued my whoel life with undiagnosed depression caused by hormonal changes and it is only now that it is being treated that I realise a lot of my self destructive behaviour was caused by this depression and self loathing! My self esteem was very very low and although my husband loved me I I felt constantly bad and unloved – I realsie now I didn’t love my self – My father used to beat me regularly and I spent years being terrified of him and trying to gain his acceptance. My husbands family didn’t like me at all and that too was a negative in the marriage. I lived in total denial of all my internal problems and everyone thought I was wonderful! even my husband who found me very frustrating at times! And although I tried very hard one day he just said he was leaving (another woman) and I had been on probation and he didn’t want me in his life anymore. I realise now I contributed to this hideous situation and I wish I could have known earlier and been ther for him and loved him more and been the loving no-crying wife he wanted! I am trying to forgive myself and move on – but i htink the hurt and pain I feel now is punishment for what I have put him through for 29 years
When my SO and I first got together we were really yohng, we had our share of ups and downs. He broke up with me, got with someone else. Then we ended up getting back together. He seemed to changed he treated me great. But was always obsessing over things and paid more attention to his phone. I then hung out with a guy I found attractive and I we kissed. That’s all there was I didn’t do anything else. I felt soo horrible. I didnt even wantto eat . A short time after I got pregnant and I just couldn’t tell him. We were starting a family I couldn’t do this alone. N couldn’t live without him. I thought I forgave myself. Then last year after our son was born he was talking to someone else and left us. I’ll never forge the pain I felt. But now, we recently got engaged and are so happy. But I feel so guilty about the meaningless kiss that happened years ago. All of a sudden it just keeps replaying in my head and I just don’t know how to let it go.
I got drunk at my cousin’s wedding and it didn’t end well. I haven’t lost my control over alcohol before so I didn’t even ask anybody to look out for me. I feel so terrible for the mistake I made and for how misunderstood I will be. The irony, I don’t even like alcohol and I never get drunk. In fact, I have drank before and it has been okay. The weird part, this one fiasco was enough for Things to change between my cousin and I. I hope I can slowly feel okay about myself and accept the changet that comes with it.