How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
10 years ago, I moved from a very rural, isolated area to a large city. at the time, I had tried to find my 2 kitties homes, but couldn’t find any takers. because they were mostly outside cats (80% of the day) I didn’t think I could bring them to live indoors in a small apartment. so I decided to leave then at my house (which my x-husband owns) so that they could still be outside cats, and have each other. they had their little beds on the porch. he’s had people living at the house off and on over that time, and kept them fed. it killed me to leave them but I thot I was doing the best thing for them. I recently went back to visit, and one of the cats is still alive and 16 years old. he is still as sweet as ever, but has had a rough life. I got to be with him for 5 days. it’s been a month now and I still mourn for him. it’s reawakened the feeling that I abandoned them… and I can’t seem to get past it. I washed so much to bring the cat back home with me, but didn’t know if it could get along with my new cat. my heart is just broken and I don’t know how to fix it. my x sits with and holds my kitty, but I still feel like the worst mom ever!
I have had sex with many men in my past and I am embarrassed about it and regretful. I don’t know how to change and afraid maybe I won’t be able to and will continue this lifestyle. I am single but I worry about all of the judgment till people in the world thinking that if they knew About me that they would consider me slutty or less valuable. This causing me headaches stomachaches and grief.
So since a young age I’ve been addicted to sweet food and I never really had teeth problems growing up. It’s not until I started smoking weed in the 9th grade that stopped caring about most things. My teeth were stunning growing up and they decayed quite rapidly in places i couldn’t notice. I’m 22 now and I’ve lost 5 teeth, 3 of them were the teeth in front of my wisdoms that were pulled out because I couldn’t afford to get the wisdoms removed. Most of my teeth look physically bad now and I have 2 more than need to go pretty soon. I fucking hate myself for getting into this position because I feel like when I smile , everyone else stops. I feel like no girl every wants to be close to me and it makes me feel like a hobo wherever I go… I don’t even go out anymore because I’m to ashamed to speak to anyone, even my own family. I just spent the entire Friday night play league of legends with my friends on team speak because I’m too ashamed to even be around them and speak… I’ve also had an addiction to coffee and this has fucked up my kidneys too. I have bad kidneys in my family, which I never until recently so all the heavy drinking I did when I was younger had a heavy influence.. In 2013 I had kidney stones, which I wished would be the death of me at the time but I pulled myself through.. Last year, in 2014 around September I went through renal failure and missed so much work that I failed one of my second year subjects and didn’t even do enough to qualify for the exam for another.. I managed to pass my other 8 second year subjects but I had to repeat them this year. This impeded my 3rd year allowing me only 2 new subjects leaving me with only 4 subjects the entire year.. And even with the little amount of work I’m struggling to keep myself motivated. I wallow in self pity and feel a very deep sense of hatred towards myself. My kidneys are so fucked now that some days I wake up in so much pain that I can’t move out of bed without painkillers.. I’ve given up smoking cigarettes, alcohol, coffee, cigarettes and even started gyming and playing league squash for my university..however my confidence is so broken along with my teeth that no matter how good other say I look, I still feel like a disgusting piece of shit… I honestly fucken despise myself and I would of killed myself already if I had the guts to but I’m too much of a coward… I also feel that I need to finish my degree and work so I can pay my parents back for the money they invested in me to study… My parents live crap so that I can study and I don’t even perform that well. I feel like I just want give them the life they deserve before I take my own… My urologist tells me that I will not see 30 and I should enjoy the time I have.. But I feel like such a worthless piece of shit and a burden to whoever I’m around… Physically I feel dead, mentally I’m in a state where I want to physically end my life and spiritually I’m so fucken alone that I don’t know how to deal with company anymore… The only time I ever feel good is when I make other feel good about themselves, because I know all to well how it is to live a life that’s the opposite of that… I often cry myself to sleep because of the physical and mental pain I feel and I do the same in the morning … I just wish I wasn’t related to my family because they are amazing and I am nothing close to that… I just wish that I could get life insurance and get murdered to be honest. I feel I deserve no less… My plan is just to get my metallurgical engineering degree, go work for 2 years in Africa so that I can give my family all of the money they have suffered without and blow my brains on the wall .. Or sit in the shower with a knife and cut my jugs.. I fee I deserve no less than the worst death… Maybe burn all of my nerve endings off in a fire while suffocating on the smoke before drowning in my own boiled fluids..
I’m so alone and cold in this world… And everyone I see around me has a place, and I just feel like a drifter… Or a method of usage by others… I honestly feel like I’m all alone in this world… It’s so cold when you’re lonely… Death would even feel warmer than this…. The only thing I feel is the pains from my teeth and my kidneys… And the pain of being a burden to this world..