How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
My guilt about being afraid to go anywhere by myself, because I betrayed God by being so afraid all the time, and treating my husband like a slave, because I was sure he wanted to leave. And he finally did. Now I feel the abandonment of that time, and that he died without my asking for forgiveness. I now can’t think about leaving the house, for fear something terrible will happen to me. I am in constant pain. I am 84.
I feel so much self hatred and regret for destroying my life with drugs and alcohol. I have done so much ecstacy and blacked out countless times. It has been almost 2 years of sobriety and I still don’t feel the same physically. I feel I have done serious damage to my brain and body. I hate myself for this. It also causes me much anxiety that things won’t get better and I will be like this for the rest of my life. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. The worst thing about the situation is that even if I forgive myself I will still be suffering the consequences today on a physical level. I guess that’s the only thing to do but it makes me so angry, sad, guilty that I did this to myself, its not like anyone held a gun to my head. I was once a very sharp, healthy young man, and now at the age of 25 I feel like absolute shit all the time. I have been denying what happened the whole time, trying to tell myself theres other reasons for my mental and physical state, but I know deep down it’s from abusing drugs and alcohol and this makes me scared and angry. All my peers around me are living successful lives , getting married, out enjoying life and Im stuck here sitting in a pile of my own misfortune that I gave to myself. Being a perfectionist, this is the absolute opposite of what I want and what I had imagined for myself growing up. I set such high standards for myself. in the fourth grade I was furious that I only got the gold medal in 4 of the track and field events I enrolled in, getting silver in the 5th. Anyways, Im just really unhappy with how the culmination of my life has turned out.
Don’t give up on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, sometimes monumental, myself included. You may have done damage and some of it may be irreparable, but every single day you’re managing to mend the damage that you’ve done to your soul. Mistakes do not define us as people, but how we go through the rest of our lives after we make them. Face every single day with a positive attitude and try to do something that will make you better than you were yesterday. We are better than the things we’ve done, we always have been, and we always will be.
God bless you, man. We will get through this.
I too drank heavily and did ecstasy in all of my early 20s. I was an irresponsible drunk and while drunk would engage in unprotected sex. I feel like a stupid reckless worthless person with no regard for her actions and had zero self awareness what so ever. I can’t forgive myself as much as I want to. I want to move far away so I don’t have to face the people I humiliated myself in front of dozens of times. I’m 27 and all of my past mistakes which I suppressed or pretend never happened have finally caught up to me and I hardly want to live anymore from all the shame and regret and disgust. I want to move past this but I don’t know how. I say this to you so you can know you’re not alone.
Messaging another guy while taken by an amazing guy (The guy I messaged also is taken). I told my boyfriend, he forgave me but I can’t seem to forgive myself and be fully happy. Which sucks because the guy whom I messaged is fully happy with his girlfriend even though she was furious. It seems like I’m the only bad guy here (she basically called me a tramp)… I am one who put an end to the messaging before she found out… Also told my boyfriend rather than him furiously finding out like his girlfriend did. I feel very sorry to her for what I did as well. I never wanted to be with her boyfriend or even have sex with him… Just was nice to be wanted and talked to that way (I imagined my boyfriend in all the scenarios) , since me and my boyfriend have had intimacy issues awhile now. Doesn’t justify my actions. I just hope I can one day let go of the anxiety and be happy with my boyfriend again… I don’t let this show with him.. I don’t want him to feel bad. He treats me so well.. I feel so unworthy of this right now. Maybe getting this off my chest will help.