How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I haven’t seen or had any contact w/my family for about 15 years. Over this time I’ve ran away from my problems w/drugs. I have 3 boys 20, 18, & 15 years of age & I haven’t seen them since they were around the ages 4 & 5. I’ve lost my most bestest friend “my sister” to suicide 16 years ago. I never really grieved.. I just “ran away” and got lost….. Well now I’m on & living the path my sister lived before her suicide & everything is beginning to take s toll on me. I have no one to talk to my family doesn’t want anything to do w/me unless I’m “drug free”.. I understand all of that but how can I keep going w/no family or friend support. I’ve gotten in touch w/my two older sons over Facebook.. One didn’t have 1nice thing to say to me.actually I regret now ever getting in touch w/any of them… But I can’t keep going on “all alone” everyday more & more Im understanding why my sister did it & I feel I’m getting closer to just giving up on it all .. Like she did… IDK I’m so lost I just need someone to help, understand, be there.. A family again! What do I do or what should I day to them.. I’m just so lost.
Start by entering a rehab treatment facility and get counseling to deal with the loss of your sister. Once your family knows that you’re actively getting help, they’ll be on board to help you. As for your sons, you need to drop the resentment for their anger towards you. They have a right to be mad at you since you weren’t in their lives. In that relationship it’s not all about you, it’s about them since they suffered without having you in their lives. But if you keep persisting with them and show them that you’ve changed and are getting help, their lashing out at you will eventually cease. You just have to be patient and understand that you left them not the other way around
I was married for 25 years, and now divorced for almost a year. I am trying to forgive myself for the role I played. I was a loving mother to our 3 children, but I don’t think I ever learned how to be a wife. If things happened between my husband and I – I would harbor resentment and not deal with them. I would go silent. Well, this made us grow further and further apart. He was in the middle of changing jobs and the job market changed, so it grew harder and harder for him. As this got tougher for him, we even grew further apart. The arguments grew stronger and times got tougher. I have recently forgiven him for his role, but I am having a very hard time forgiving my self, for not being supportive and being the wife that he needed. Why is it so easy to forgive someone else, but not ourselves. I so want a do-over! But I know this is not possible. Until I fall in love with myself – I won’t be able to truly love someone else.
I am so sorry. I am a habitual liar and cheater, the two things I swore myself I would never be. My father was a habitual cheater, and my mother is notorious for her white lies. What is worse is that since graduating high school I have never been faithful in a relationship. Two serious relationships, committed and agreeably monogamous, and I cheated in both. The first was kisses by two different guys. Then I was in numerous non-committed relationships for a summer. Then I met the best man I have ever known. I lied and cheated on him many times. I only went all the way once, I came clean about that, lied when I came clean, then entirely came clean. Now it’s happening all over again. I’m coming clean about other times I cheated and he proposed and I said ‘yes’ but I took it back even though I had been looking forward to this so long. Now I’m in therapy and attending AA meeting because alcohol and I have a very unhealthy relationship. I go, I attend, but I don’t feel like I’m an alcoholic. I got diagnosised with a few depression related disorders recently and I am scared. I have guilt because I never expressed what was wrong in the relationship. I never expressed that I did not want to be monogamous in a long distance relationship. I am finding out more and more about myself that I can’t stand. I feel like I’m a circle peg trying to fit into a square box all the time. He truly is amazing and I wish I didn’t cheat on him emotionally and physically with one of my ‘casual’ exes. I hate myself so much for it. My therapist says I will get better and that because he and I are on a break until I get better, I need to focus on myself. I am trying, but all I can think about is him and how much I love him, but not our relationship. I can’t be a military wife. I’m poly amorous and don’t want to be. I want to take back every lie I told you. I want to make things right, but my god I don’t want to hurt you or be like ‘all the others’ you’ve dated. I love you so much and you’re my best friend. I wish I was emotionally mature and I wish I wasn’t my dad.
Being poly amorous isn’t an evil thing. You should be honest to him that you can’t be what he wants. There are many amazing men out there, and you can’t force yourself to be something and someone you’re not. You are going to meet a man one day who will be perfect for you as long as you are truthful and open. Btw, there are websites and groups for people who are polyamorous.