How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
The recent issue with Julie and her friends.
(typos)
I made a mistake and I told a deep dark secret of my husband to my cousin about something that I know if he found out I told, he would be so hurt. The last thing he deserves is pain because he works so hard and is the best husband a girl could ever ask for. I told my cousin by mistake because she asked me a private question and I had to use that dark secret to explain it. then I realized I made a huge mistake. I dont want to tell him because it will hurt him. He is super amazing but I want to let this go and dont want to let it eat me inside. I cant tell him because IT may slow him down. I am confident that he will never find out I told her. but i realized that I humiliated him by telling her. It was non of my business to say anything, but it slipt out for the purpose of concluding a different topic.. ;(
Let’s be real. Families gossip about each other and eventually your husband will find out you told his secret. It’s better that he hears it from you that it was told to someone else rather than someone your cousin told confronting him about it
Anger at a man who claimed to be my friend for 3 years. Worked in same industry. We joined it together. Texted for a year…as I was already contemplating finally leaving my miserable marriage. He helped me spiritually, with my goals, and then seduced me as soon as he got me alone. Divorce wasn’t even initiated yet!
Continued as friends & occasional bedmates another year, secret from our many mutual friends. He called me “a dear friend, a close friend, a Best friend…a friend within the inner circle of trust “.
Then he fell in love with a mutual friend, and absolutely cut me from his life, while still pretending to be FB friends. …mostly so she wouldn’t suspect.
I’ve lost my moral support for my work. Lost my dearest friend who is clearly NO FRIEND.
I’m angry with myself for being a sucker. I’m angry with God for letting him get away with it. Not for falling in love, but for dumping me unceremoniously and without a backward glance. Some “dear, close, best friend”….hurts worse than wasting 30+ years trying to make a dead marriage breathe! Wasted life.
I’m old, tired, angry, grief-stricken. I cannot trust anyone anymore. I cannot trust God.
Had I no children, I think I’d be gone altogether by now.
There is NO ONE I can discuss this with. SO angry that he proved to be such a selfish, cowardly bastard. He’s blocked me from all communications, tho I only tested twice, and only to try to explain/relate…no name-calling or anything like that.
Worst of all, I clearly have no wisdom, no judgement.
There is no way to let go of my anger at myself, or art him, or at the God whom I believe loves my suffering.
The divorce is the only good thing that came out of it. Tho I struggled to be a good wife for over 30 years…it was my greatest mistake. This guy, the next in line in my life, was different in every way from my husband…..while we were “friends”.
There is No Way for me to ever trust my judgement or regain any self respect. Wish nightly to die in my sleep.
Can I let go of life?
This may seem harsh, but leave him alone. You can’t blame just him, you also did wrong to your possibly ex-husband by cheating. You were still married when he got involved with the mutual friend. Your relationship with him sounds more like an escape you needed out of a bad marriage, and if he was truly an honorable man, he wouldn’t have let you put your marriage or family at risk. Instead, he would have tried to get you to do it the right way, ie divorce first since decisions you make will affect your children. If you’re not divorced yet, do you still have any love for your husband? If so, get couples counseling and try to make it work. Open up the lines of communication and romance again. If not, then you need to move on from both men and find what makes you happy before jumping into another relationship