How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I had a person I used to look up to around 2 years ago. I tried to be his friend but approached it the wrong way. I lied about who I was and about stuff that really didn’t matter. He had an impressive job, house, and other things that I wanted to acquire in my life. He held himself to his own ideals and morals and that was impressive to me. It seemed like nothing could waver him. I had a lot to learn from him but since I approached it the wrong way, he excommunicated me from his life. I was deeply hurt by this so I started to talk s* about him to our familiar acquaintances. I’m sure this put a lot of stress on himself. I regret it to this day and I have tried to reach out to apologize with no avail. It’s understandable that he may not want to speak to me ever again. To make it up to myself and him, I am going to become a person that lives nobly and with honor. Most importantly, I’ve already become honest with myself and the people around me, so I know there’s hope. I’m sorry.
I was an affectionate and over-the-top drama kid in my youth. I also went to anime conventions, and these two were a terrible match. Glomping, going in for kisses and dirty jokes, ‘normal’ behaviour in my troupe carried over to the conventions, though I knew to ask before hugging and such. I went out of line one time, with the suggestive jokes and cuddling and kissy-faces and I only realised it when I was anonymously called out on bad convention experiences “Con-molesters” video months after the convention.
The person in question exaggerated what had happened and fabricated some events, such as yelling at me and pushing me away, which never happened (my friend backed this up) but I absolutely believe I made the person uncomfortable.
I should’ve reached out to the maker of the video to send out apologies to the person I made uncomfortable, but I freaked out and never did. I have no idea who that person even was, it was a stranger and we never crossed paths again.
I was a 16-year-old girl at the time and I’m 21+ now, but the guilt is still eating me up inside. I didn’t realise that I was being way too inappropriate and even though the person didn’t clearly state it (or did they, do I just remember wrong??) I should’ve realised I was being a creep. This kind of stuff is really common at cons and I’ve had people come grope and pinch me as well as tricked me into kissing on the lips and I’ve forgiven them because they were all young people like myself and I’m sure they’ve learned their lesson, but I just can’t forgive myself. I hate myself. What can I do? (Sorry for going at this so longwindedly, it’s the first time I’m ever talking about it.)
I am in a similar situation where I had no ill intent but someone I was close to previously and remained close to up until these new feelings shared where now they question whether or not I was “grooming” them (they were a minor when our friendship started). I wasn’t though and they became a true friend and even part of my family in my opinion. Nothing romantic has ever happened between us at all but now I feel so guilty and terrible at the thought that they were ever uncomfortable. Or that they would think of me this way. I don’t know how to rid myself of this feeling.
I pray we can both release these negative opinions of ourselves and try to forgive ourselves for unintentionally hurting people or making them feel uncomfortable.
I forgive her for letting me down and not being the person I thought she was. I see now that she was draining me of my energy. I wish her well. She needs help that I can’t provide. I release the anger I feel towards them, as they have judged me through their lens not mine. I release the fear from my childhood and the regret of things I should have said to my parents. I release the anger I feel towards my mum. I forgive myself for being a people pleaser and keeping the peace at my own expense. I know now what and why that happened. I stand in my own light with loving support from the universe. I am not a passenger. I have a warrior who guides me gently and with love. I am ready to release this from my body and soul.