How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I have had mental health problems since being 14 years old, because of the way I was treated by different people my self esteem became poor. Many bad events occurred as I got older, I abused alcohol excessively, and it caused many problems. I could never mix well with people, and I used alcohol as a way of coping with this,and my mental health problems. I told many lies, trying to be accepted, and because I wished things were different, the reality was very hard. I could never fit in . A very few people were kind to me, and I feel guilt about telling lies to them, I have not seen these people for decades,but the guilt is still there.I also feel guilt about the bad choices I made . My mental health problems are ongoing, my self esteem still needs to raise.I feel that I need to manage the guilt so that it doesn’t impact on my mental health. Thank you for giving me the chance to write this all down.
I was a liar to dear friend of mine. I didn’t really expect for the things to go the way they did. We were just online friends who were messing around. It doesn’t sound bad in the surface but I was underage. I, of course, lied about my age and told him I was older. We never sent pictures or anything but we were extremely flirtatious with eachother and “roleplayed”. Either way, I knew deep down inside of me that this was wrong. I still did it just for the fact of wanting to feel rebellious and doing something I wasn’t supposed to do. The feeling was intoxicating. Days passed and eventually I confessed. I felt terrible inside. I knew from the moment I lied things weren’t going to be the same. I’m not sure why I still did it though… We were great friends and I hate how I sacrificed that for my own desires. I’m scared I’ve hurt him deeply. Not that I’ll ever figure that out. He did forgive me but I just couldn’t accept his apology. It didn’t make sense how he could forgive me so easily so I clung to the idea that he hated me. Over time, our friendship died and I blocked him because I hated even the thought of him. I ripped pictures that I’ve showed him and drawings. Anything that reminded me of him brought me pain. I think I’m a way, I’m still emotionally attached to him. He was after All, a friend like no other. We had great chemistry and at the moment in time I was sick of my old friends. I ruined the friendship and I’m well aware of that. The thing is… im ready to let go and become a better me. It’s just that he’s like a reoccurring nightmare. I wish him the best even if deep down I hate him (for some reason). He was a dark placed when we talked. Now that I think about it, I think I liked him so much because he saw me in a light that no else has seen. It fueled me and I think my ego enjoyed it. Sucking it all up. I was a broken and sad person. I just wanted someone to be there for me. I was also dumb. All in all, I regret my actions and live with guilt. It feels good to talk about this.