How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
I regret doing it I honestly wish I hadn’t I thought it was a good idea because you hurt me so many times but you never once talked to or kissed anyone but I did amd I know I was wrong I know and I have to live with it I want to tell you what I did but I know it would hurt you and everything would be ruined thatd why it’s best we arent together so I won’t ever hurt you again and I have to live with this for the rest of my life and I am I fault no one here is to blame just me
Before my husband and I got engaged, we were in a real rough spot. We barely talked or spent real time together. When we did talk it was just fighting or just no real talking. At the place I was working at the time a guy showed real interest in me and it felt good to be wanted. I didn’t actually want to be with this guy and I even told him I had a boyfriend but he didn’t care so I let him start complimenting me and let him buy me lunch sometimes. At one point I actually went to his house with the intention of sleeping with him but when we started I felt sick and horrible I left his house fast and told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore and I truly loved the guy I’m with. A few months later my now husband and so got engaged and I still have never told him of this. I kept justifying that I did it cuz I was lonely and just wanted the attention and my husband had hurt me a few times in the past but the truth is I hate what I did and I really want to let go and move past it. I can’t tell my husband we are in such a good spot in our life together, we have both been growing as people and working on better our future together it would just damage everything and I just can’t do that. This is the first time actually talking about it outwardly and it feels like a big step in being able to just breathe and realize that I’m not the same lonely person and I certainly would never cheat again!
At age 11. – 12 I stupidly shoplifted a make up item which I didn’t even need when out with a friend and a friend of hers. The friend of a friend got caught a couple of days later with someone else doing the same thing and told about the other event. Police were involved but no further action other than being told not to do it again. Parents were furious and disappointed with me as to quote mum they never had trouble with my older siblings. I have always felt guilty and wrong and wish I had never gone in shop with them but I can’t change what I did. I am really much older now and have large periods where I forget about this but the friend of a friend Has recently resurfaced by coincidence with people close to me and I have never felt need to share as it was in past and I feel I was punished at time but now all feelings are resurfacing down to worry that she will tell everyone how stupid I was. I know this is fear of what people think about me and me carrying the shame but unfortunately almost obsessing.