How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I am only 17 and a couple of months ago I accepted the proposal of a boy a barely know on Facebook without telling my parents .Actually I accepted with an intention that he would leave me alone. Back in school everyone knows of it and they call me names etc and I’m all alone in school .Now people think I’m a bad girl . pls I need help.
I live with daily regret, guilt and shame for the poor decisions I have made over the past number of years. I have been unfaithful to my husband a number of times when I have been out of my head drunk. My husband has a mental illness which I have not been coping with for quite sometime and it has lead to me feeling extremely alone and resentful. When these incidents have happened, I have been so intoxicated that I can’t remember anything, yet I am still walking and talking and making appalling decisions. I live with guilt everyday for the lies I am holding, and I am scared for the future of my family. Due to my husbands illness, he often sleeps and rarely wants to be a part of our family, and I have been keeping a brave face for so long now. We have tried talking, tried marriage counselling a number of times, discussed separating, however he keeps promising that things will change, and when they don’t I get extremely angry, sad, disappointed, and then reckless.
I am suffering from extreme anxiety and depression, and old wounds from the past are arising (sexual abuse as a child). I have been screaming out for change and help for such a long time, and it’s been ignored. I have been supporting him with his mental illness for so long now, that I can’t tell if any of my own feelings are valid anymore. I feel like a monster and I hate myself.
My husband and I were having a difficult time in our relationship due to the revelation of debt, alcohol and smoing which I knew nothing about. I tried to control his drinking through restricting money but he continued to drink. The stress and pressure of the issue created huge tension. He was made redundant which increased the stress. During that time he continued to binge drink on occassion, and one time went missing due to his drinking. He ended up in hospital after falling over and cutting his face. I struggled to keep up intimacy in the face of our difficulties.
He managed to get a good new job, but on the eve of returning, had a motorbike accident. I helped him through recovery and after he returned to work, we found out that he lost his license due to returning a BAC of .14. This caused futher mistrust in the relationship. He also has diabetes which increased my worry about the drinking and smoking.
By this time I was thinking of another person from my past who was kind and single, I was thinking of seperation and divorce.
I then became pregnant, and the reception was not good. I felt unsupported despite having already experienced two miscarriages and infertility. I miscarried again and despite my devastation, did not feel supported, he wouldn’t even take time off work to spend with me. Though he continued to drink most days, albeit only a couple of drink (that I could see). He also smoked, which I hated. By this time I was so angry and exhausted I said I could no longer continue in the relationship. His response was to come home with beer and retreat to the shed. The tension escalated and I left the home. Following this I was very decive that I wanted to divorce, unfortunately with the other man in the back of my mind. I gave my husband no recourse for reconciliation.
Now six months later I have woken up to the immaturity of my decision at an emotional time. I did not speak to anyone before the decision. I am feeling extreme guilt and shame of what I have done and the huge ramifications. My husband is now very sick, drinking and smoking more than ever and sleeping around. I am struggling with the impact it has on both our futures and am struggling with work and feeling suicidal. I am now talking to him and feeling huge regret, but he says he hates me and cannot look at me. How can I go on?