How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
In 1990 I lost my Mother due to a terrible car wreck that her husband caused who was also driving. He had narcolepsy and they were both aware of it. When he would fall asleep at the wheel she would poke him in the side to wake him up. Crazy I know and why he kept driving was very stupid. It was like they just didn’t ‘get it’! Anyway he fell asleep on a busy highway in the dark where two other cars had been parked, broke down. He crashed right into them nearly killing but seriously injuring 4 people who were standing in between the cars. I won’t go into anymore details. But losing my Mother was the start of my down hill ‘RUN’. My son was 12. I was already taking a lot of doctor prescribed pain killers for my back and had been for 8 yrs. 1992 they suddenly cut me off leaving me in horrible withdrawal. So I started doing heroin. Withdrawal from opiates is the worst thing ever. Imagine a bad case of the flu and dysentery and times that by ten and you have opiate withdrawal!! Mine was so bad I would have done just about anything. I finally got on a methadone program and felt as though my life was going to improve. I was 31. I came home one day and my son was gone. Clothes, bedroom furniture, everything! My Dad, who by the way would not help me, had come and taken him and left him at my nieces house. My Dad didn’t know it at the time but he had taken my son from the frying pan and dropped him into the fire!!! That was the last straw. I completely broke down. Later I found out that my son was severely abused there. From then I proceeded to lose my house that I owned, cars, antiques, furniture, everything and went to the street. I lived homeless on the street living just enough to keep that sickness away by begging for money. I thank God still to this day that I never had to regress to prostitution. After getting out of my nieces house I happened to be renting a house and my son came back. But at 15 yrs or so he couldn’t handle living with me still using. So he went from foster home to foster home until he was 18. He turned out to be a very loving and responsible person. Makes very good money and is now a father of three, a husband and is building his fourth house. I thank God on my knees for that! I am 20 yrs clean now but will probably always have to stay on Methadone for withdrawal and pain relief. But losing my son and all that went with it is the regret I can’t seem to shake. My son has forgiven me and you would think I could forgive myself since he has. But nope. There are other regrets. Many others. But my son was the biggest and most painful. How could I let the drugs control me so much as to lose my son!!!??? I punish myself everyday repeatedly.
Out of the blue I was reminded that, in the heat of passion, I chose not to tell my partner that I had been diagnosed with genital warts. They never gave me a problem. Anyway, we had sex. I told him about the warts later. He was, rightfully pissed. It was a very short term relationship and I have no idea where he is now. This was 30 years ago and I totally forgot the incident till today. Now I am obsessing about my actions. I know I should have told him. What if he got all kinds of problems? etc. etc.etc. I made a mistake. I am so sorry. I wish, now, I could forgive and forget this incident.
I have been taking antidepressant med since my stepson killed himself at age 31, I’m 56,female, married 25 years. 3 months after loss of him my young adult daughter moved to Texas for her job, 900 miles from home. I felt so empty inside with all this change/sadness in my life, and time isn’t standing still for me or anyone so I’m struggling sometimes to just say let it go, be happy, god willing. My career is registered nurse, pediatric medically fragile children in their private homes, sometimes very trying times with the parents but I do my best, so here is just a short story of my life, hope you enjoyed.p