How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I grew up in a Loving family where I was showered with attention and love. I believed in no sex before marriage and I had plenty of make out sessions with women and girlfriends throughout the years. I had a combination of relationships, and make out sessions and going to 3rd base with around 40 to 50 women all the way up to the age of 25. At the age of 22 I couldnt hold it in anymore and I lost my v card to this fine woman. Since some of my peers tell me stories about how they slayed and had sex with multiple women and I have had sex with 2 women it makes me feel like I am lesser than them.
This paragraph is for myself to feel better: In each moment back in the day I chose to not escalate the sexual interaction further because I did not want to. My choices and my background influenced those decisions to not want to have sex. Also the fear of STDs and pregnancy outweighed the high fives and ego strokes from fellow guy friends. Also the fact I wanted to save it for someone special was another reason I chose to abstain from sex.
I believed the choices I made af my younger ages are right, they may still be right. But I feel inadequate and not as high of a self esteem because others have experienced sex and one night stands with beautiful women. I am seeking approval that I am good enough through women.
I am good enough regardless of what women think of me. Whether they find me attractive or not. If I see an attractive women I feel I need her to validate me to feel good about myself. Because she chose me which means since i view her as good, I guess I am valuable too.
That is not necessarily the truth though. She may not like me for reasons out of my control and I will not change who I am in order to get her. My mission and purpose of feeling good first is the most important. I will take my shot at a girl but I will not get hung up if she doesnt like me because I’ve got my other interest and life going for me. Right now I feel that I need an attractive woman to validate me and make me feel enough by having sex with me on a night stand, but deep down I know I do not need a hot woman to validate me that I am good enough. I have been told im charming and funny. I am playful too I have been told. Just because I exhibit skills and I do have them, there are tons of reasons why a girl may not want be interested in you.
I began to feel extremely depressed after an unfortunate breakup. I had trusted this person with details of an unwanted sexual experience that threw my life into chaos. But because of relationship dynamic with my offender, someone who is close to me. My then boyfriend felt uncomfortable with dealing with the situation and felt like I picked my offender over him. I felt stuck, I had been flipped and my whole world was crashing down. Even after I decided to distance myself from my offender my boyfriend still would not take me back. I was hopeful, but I was crushed and heartbroken once again. I let my expectations lead me and I let myself worry about the reactions of others before figuring out my life and what I really wanted. I felt abandoned, hurt, devastated. I remember I couldn’t eat for days because I felt like I caused myself to lose everything. I blamed everything form the beginning on myself, I felt extreme regret and guilt to the point where I am getting physical pain from the guilt. And even now currently I still feel guilty because of the lies I told to try to keep my secret, to try to hide my shame of my experience. I keep pondering on whether confessing my lies to my ex will finally allow me to let go of the guilt that I’m holding on to, but my therapist explained to me that it isn’t my ex’s forgiveness I’m looking for, I have to learn how to forgive myself for the mistakes on my part.
I did something completely out of character in my teens,im now 47 and can barely live with what i did