How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
My guilt stems from hurting someone when I was in my 20’s. I did something horrible to someone else and I know this person still hates me to this day. I will randomly get messages filled with hate rants via Facebook. What I did was wrong. I don’t think they will ever forgive me. People talked about being a different person now. I would NEVER do that now. I was grieving over my girlfriends death and drinking like crazy. Made very poor decisions. I just hope that one day they feel peace and can forgive me. I worry it’s going to eat away at them over time like it does at me and they aren’t going to be able to be happy. I just hope they are ok.
I’ve been suffering from anxiety, depression, and serious lack of self love. When I was in my mid teens (i’m in my 20s), I harmed someone with my serious lack of judgement. Ever since, I’ve been hating myself for it everyday. I have a very hard time finding a justification to forgive myself. I never sought out therapy/counseling to help me because I feel too shameful and fearful of judgement to talk about my past mistake. I can’t even talk about it to my own family, friends or anyone because I fear they will judge me and I will lose everyone who is dear to me. For years I bottled this up in my mind and it’s like a volcano, waiting to be erupted. It’s been affecting me is many areas of my personal life and career life. I became a recluse, I pretty much stopped keeping in touch with majority of my friends, except for 2 close friends that I feel comfortable talking to (but even with them, I can’t open myself up to my guilt). I have a hard time keeping in touch with my family. I have low energy everyday and sleep frequently. I can’t bring myself to workout to distract myself. I have taken some steps to reconcile with myself, such as doing good for the community, volunteering, helping others in need, etc. In the end, it never did much, it was all to bury the guilt and felt like a hypocrite. I want to believe that i’m a good person, I always tried to spread positive and support to those around me, but at the same time, I feel like i’m putting on a fake smiling mask pretend i’m not suffering myself.
I say to myself that the overwhelming guilt, anxiety, depression I carry is justified for the mistake I made. I tell myself that I deserve it, and I gotta carry it for the rest of myself till I die as a punishment (I still view it like that today). I was religious in the past (i identify myself as agnostic now), I prayed hard for forgiveness, I prayed hard that the person I harmed is living a good life with love, support, and be able to move on and live to their full potential. I prayed hard that the people who were affected by my action were able to move on from the painful experience. Now I just feel like praying doesn’t do much. I just feel lost, so numb from everything, I don’t know what to do, i don’t have motivation for anything. I can’t open myself up to anybody in my life. I just want to feel truly happy again. I know I can’t forget the past or free myself from the heavy chain of guilt, but I want to know how to live with it. I want to do good for the world without feeling being a hypocrite. I always wanted to help others who are in need, but I need to help myself first before I help others.
This is my first time opening up this much anonymously online. It surprisingly took a lot of effort to convince myself to post something like this.
At the age of 60 I have had to start my life over. I can’t seem to let go of my past choices, some which caused this new path. Starting over at my age from scratch is a bitter pill to swallow. I have moved to a remote and desolate area from what I considered to be a comfortable middle class area. I felt betrayed by my own choices. Now I can’t let go of where I should be in life versus where I am. The most hurtful thing is I feel like I let my daughters down. I feel I embarrassed them. My youngest said “you’re one of the smartest women I know, how could you let this happen?” I was for the most part homeless because my husband of 30+ years refused to work and as a result we lost our home. It was then that I made a decision and walked away. A decision I should have made 29 years ago. I held on to what could have been versus what was. I’m ashamed and hurt mostly because I did this to myself and gave permission to allow others to take advantage of my kindness. I look at others my age that are getting ready to retire, me I know its going to take time to rebuilt my life and my finances. Right now I just want to find peace that will only come from forgiving myself.