How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I am angry for never standing up for myself in my 25 year marriage…how I allowed myself to be bullied and manipulated..experiencing verbal assaults..not knowing how to respond…yes i’m angry with him after 9 years because he never apologized…his drinking impacted some of that but no excuse…but I am angry with me…disappointed in me…I have learned how to stand up for myself now but acceptance has been a struggle.
Today I made a decision to do whatever I need to do to free myself of the guilt and shame I have felt for the last four years. I am exhausted and my happiness in a life I have been blessed with is constantly being effected. You could say I have finally found the gift of desperation and ready to do some serious work.
I have done quite a bit of work already, I have been in a 12 step program for years and done much step work around it. but feel I need more.
I have extreme guilt and shame around my failed marriage and the part I played. Also, in my marriage I was involved in mental abuse. Not the name calling type, but the subtle digs. My ex blamed me for the cause of everything wrong in his life. And really, I know I don’t have that kind of power. He Made me feel i was worthless. Not capable. I must say, I have done a lot of work around not being a victim. I do know my part… and I have made amends and worked hard to take responsibility,but I know I don’t carry full responsibility.
I’m ready to do additional work and I found this site as a jumping off point. to just put it out there.
I’m tired of telling the story. I’m tired of the constantly beating myself up with self-loathing. I want to love myself and put the past behind me. I want self- acceptance. I am human. I made mistakes. but my mistakes are what I did, its not who I am. I have 10 years in recovery and have worked hard. I deserve to be free and love myself and enjoy my life. those tapes we play in our head and feel in our heart run deep and are hard to escape. I was to be free of them.
I completely relate to what you have said…like you it was mental abuse not name calling but it was detrimental…things like he would rather put a bullet thru his brain…have an affair..just statements that demeaned me…I understand how you have worked so hard to free yourself as I have…heavens how can we have such power that they want to project on us…one person we are and my therapist told me early on) you didn’t do this all by yourself’..it’s difficult isn’t it when you are overly responsible…I also learned I am a co-dependent…being too wrapped up with people…like you it’s all so exhausting
I keep a journal and have sorted out a lot of my feelings regarding guilt and shame, but it never seems to go away. I have been in and out of counseling for over 20 years. I’m 50. I left a physically and emotionally abusive marriage and I’m raising two kids. I feel proud of all I have accomplished, but I never seem to have a lot of friends or have a romantic relationship. I always get taken accept crumbs or feel guilty for having any needs. Then I become clinging almost knowing that these people will leave my life. I have an underlying sense that if I could just make myself perfect I would be lovable. I’m lovable, but if you never have felt accepted you just have no idea what you should feel like. People always say until you love yourself you can’t experience love. I disagree, if you have no role model and work really hard to do so and then are alone if feels fake. It’s like practicing to ride a bike without a bike. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I feel exhausted and ashamed.