How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
My twin brother and I were adopted together rat birth, but he was sick and after he died, I was an only child. My adoptive family was not easy. My father’s family never excepted me as ‘family’ because I did have the family blood in me. At Christmas, I always got $5 in an envelope in the tree while my two cousins received gift after gift. My adoptive mother was very hurt by this and embarrassed. My adoptive father was an alcoholic and never home. And never engaged with the family until after he stopped drinking, when I was in high school. My adoptive mother was full of rage, and because I was the only other family member at home, I was the recipient of her rage. She was emotionally and physically abusive. And I was never able to please her. I always disappointed her and embarrassed her. I was not the daughter she wanted. I was a tomboy, which mortified her. My grades were never good enough, my room was never clean enough, and when I was asked questions about what I was doing, school, friends, I always got beaten. So, I learned to lie, and tell her what she wanted to hear. And unfortunately, protecting myself my dishonesty and even cheating (to make sure I wouldn’t fail) became a norm for me. Certainly, I wanted to protect myself from her but also from myself because I had this deep down fear of failing…and I didn’t trust myself in relationships, in school, at work, anywhere. Lying, using other people’s ideas in my writing, because I knew mine wouldn’t be good enough…but never admitting it. I am so afraid of failing and I know deep down, that I am not smart enough or good enough to please anybody. That is how I’ve lived.
While in undergrad and graduate school, I kind of found myself again. I was engaged with my studies (even though I didn’t trust myself take tests) and found ways to cheat when I was desperate, which wasn’t often, but that tendency was still there. I needed to be perfect and get the highest grade in the class. That is the little girl my mother wanted me to be…the best in class, in every way. If I came home with an “A” on a paper or test, she was angry that it wasn’t an “A” plus. I know she didn’t like herself much, and that she was living who she wished she was through me, but I really let her down!
But, once I graduated and started working in my field, those feelings of inadequacy creeped back in my life, and I would go into protection mode…not by cheating, by not always being honest when I thought I might disappoint someone or make someone mad at me.
This need to protect myself has hurt my relationships and have damaged my own feelings about myself. I don’t to be dishonest, but it happens so easily. As does blaming other people for my life. I know I am doing it, and it causes me to dislike myself even more…I feel like I am the most toxic person I know. I just want to be me, and be vulnerable in my relationships, and be kind to others. I feel like I am a monster. Even after years of counseling, I slip into old patterns way too easily. I really want to live life to the fullest, but I can’t seem to pull it off! So afraid of failing and disappointing others…and getting in trouble for being the me my mother was embarrassed of.
I was drunk and caused embarrassing actions in our office… I feel bad for myself because I couldn’t control the situation…. Now I’m ashamed to go to work on January 2…
Any advised please…. thanks…
im just tired of the pain in my heart, the shame, guilt, anxiety, panic attacks, self sabatoge self destructive i think itd better to be dead. im 58 have 4 failed marriages am alone unwanted unloved unworthy. i cant do anything right & am just a big mess. i cant even function to work or go to job training. i hhate myself.
No it’s not better to be dead. I’m 24 and feel most of the same feelings you do, but you are worth living… I don’t know what else to say other than your life is worth something and I will pray for you.
I have struggled with many of the same things you listed in your first sentence. I understand and that is why I am on this website too. Please don’t ever give up and know God never gives up on any of us. From the Max Lucado book Anxious for Nothing, “No problem is unsolvable. No life is irredeemable. No one’s fate is sealed. No one is unloved or unlovable.” It’s a book that has helped me. Maybe it would help you too. I am praying for you.