How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
In college, I met a girl. We became best friends, and little by little I started to fall in love with her. For the most part, one of us was always dating someone else, but during our senior year, we both found ourselves single and I realized that she might have feelings for me too. We had a lot of conversations (in person and via text) where it became clear that we liked each other. Loved each other, even. There was a small window in which everything clicked for us, before things started to go haywire again. I’ve suffered from depression for a long time, and she seemed way out of my league, so I was never confident enough to make a move for fear of losing her from my life altogether. Due to some unfortunate circumstances (and bad life choices on my part), I moved away from my college town, expecting to come back in a year or two, and somehow expecting that fate would bring us back together. Or that she would be there waiting for me, as if she’d put her life on pause for me. On my last night before moving, she gave me a mix cd (which in retrospect made it clear how she felt), and we kissed for the first time. It was perfect. And yet I still left.
Those few years have become close to a decade. I have only been back for brief visits, only seeing her in person twice since I left, one of those times being after she was engaged. She is now married. I have a girlfriend, but I am still furious that my younger self left. I have so much anger and sadness over the life that could have been. A life with the greatest love I’ve known so far.
At the same time, I know I have to let go. I can’t ever be fully invested in my current relationship until I do. She is happy with her husband, and though I once mentioned our past to her, she acknowledged that it, and her feelings for me, were so long ago.
I don’t know how she has been able to move on, and I’m still stuck in it. I’m glad she is happy, but my heart hurts every time I think about what we had, what I walked away from, and what could have been- because I will never know. And on top of it all, my girlfriend and I are planning a move back there next year.
I am too depressed and developed social anxiety because of regrets that I didn’t let go. Even now, I regret why didn’t I take this advice when people told me this earlier “Let go of the past”. There is only one direction which is future. There is only one stand point which is now. So, from Now to the future, I am determined to forgive myself for the things I have done. Things that are not able to be changed. It will take time, but it is never late. Thank you for thriveworks.com. Thank you for all the warm hearthed people out there who are reading this.
I stole from the company i worked for admitted it and lost all my pension due to it. I am an alcoholic and was in rehab when i decided to leave work due to the guilt and in that time they discovered i stole. I told my husband and kids they investigating me but cannot bring myself to telling them i lost it all. We are struggling to survive, hardly food, im unemployed and feel hopeless. Although my kids fong complain as they have their mom back my husband stays asking about the money. I dont feel i cab tell him and somehow feel disappointed in him as well for never working for me an the kids, leaving all financial responsibilties up to me to pay. I never even looked at thd damages i done just signed it and left. It haunts me today, i need to move forward from this its just so hard when i see my family suffer for my past mistakes especially my kids. Will i ever get over this, will my life be restored again?