How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I suffer with depression and I’ve been self destructive. I keep looking back feeling disgusted with myself at things I have done, which now I felt wasn’t me, like a different person. I wonder I have a split personality , generally I’m a nice person. Thing is I feel constant guilt but the bad things I’ve done made me feel good at the time. I feel disgusted most of the time. Can I ever forgive myself and move on. I don’t think I can.
I can understand. I look back at the terrible things I have done but it was not me. It was something else. I guess we must forgive ourselves because it’s not our faults for not knowing then what we know now.
What is it that I need to let go? Perhaps it is more than I can write in one paragraph, but I should first start out by being honest.
Despite the fact that I live a better life than the majority of the world’s inhabitants, I am disappointed to say that I am not content with my life. I feel lonely and broken and unmotivated. I feel anger at myself for not making up my mind at what I want to do for a career and where I want to go to school. I become upset with myself when I knowingly cut corners and lie. I don’t like doing it, yet it almost seems as if it comes to me automatically.
My whole life I feel as if I’ve been acting a certain way because that’s how I want to be perceived by others, but my character does not really match up.
I feel angry and hurt by friends that I feel don’t really care about me anymore. More than anything, I guess, I just wish that I had someone to talk to.
I know that this is not a healthy lifestyle for me to follow, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I am already 22 years old, and feel as if I am on a train to nowhere. I hope that by forgiving myself I can finally see the light
I want to let go of my loneliness, guilt, and shame Ive carried for 30 years. The winter of 1985… I broke up with the only man who really loved me. He was kind, giving, supportive. Was therr for me when no one else was. At age 53, I still feel pings of sadness whenever I think of him. It was a special time… just the two of us…against the world, together in the age of Aids. You were my love Jay. Still in my heart. Love L.