How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I have cheated on my wife, been abusive. I have hurt her a lot and feel absolutely horrible for the things I have done to her and our kids. I regret everything i have done and wish i could go back in time and fix it all. Do things the right way.
I just want to put this here in case anyone is going through the same. I was an abusive wife. I was an abusive daughter, sister, and friend.I was an abusive person. I hurt people not only with my words, but also with my hands physically. My husband was so sweet and patient with me, even though I was abusive to him. I was angry at how my family, friends, and exes had treated me. I was so scared to be hurt and dumped,because that’s all I ever knew, so I hurt others before they could hurt me. Sometimes my husband would do hurtful things to me and I would lash out on him, verbally, emotionally, and/or physically. It took me getting married, and losing who I loved, to realize the one thing, the true one thing that I really hated and despised about myself, and I knew it all along deep down since I was a child. My mom or brother would always tell me how ridiculous I was and that no one could have peace in the house because of me, always yelling and screaming. And I never got help for it, because I didn’t realize at the time. It took me getting married, and going through a divorce to truly learn my mistakes and how badly I wanted to change, for myself,so I could have peace for once in my life. I was such a difficult and stubborn person, everything always had to be my way. I’m not that way anymore, thanks to God for giving me the strength, and courage to acknowledge AND FIX my problem. I knew what I did to the people I loved was wrong, but at the time I didn’t care, because I felt so angry at what I’d been through. A piece of me felt like I wanted them to hurt the way I was hurting, or at least acknowledge my pain. My best advice to people experiencing guilt and shame is to please don’t live by the past. I’ve made my mistakes, I’ve confessed my sins, I’ve cried, I’ve spoken to people about it and I have been forgiven by my husband and my family, also I have forgiven myself. I wasn’t a monster, I was just acting like one as a defense mechanism. You HAVE to be honest with yourself and listen to that little voice in your head and have the will to change, and actually do it because if you don’t, you will continue the cycle of abuse and feeling guilty constantly. I made a vow, to myself, that I will never use my words or hands to harm another person. I will never verbally, mentally, or physically abuse anyone again as long as I live. Sometimes we can’t do this on our own and we need help, we need support from family, friends, or a counselor and that’s exactly what we should do. Do not feel embarrassed or shameful, it will be an unimaginable healing process. As long as you’ve acknowledged what you’ve done wrong and why, even if no one else forgives you, you can finally feel PEACE to know IT’S TIME TO FORGIVE YOURSELF! LET GO OF WHAT HAPPENED, LET GO OF THAT GUILTY THOUGHT SAYING “I’M A MONSTER, I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON, I’M NOT WORTH BEING FORGIVEN.” LET IT GO TODAY AND TELL YOURSELF YOU MADE A MISTAKE AND YOU MOST DEFINITELY ARE WORTHY OF BEING FORGIVEN!! ANYTHING BROKEN CAN BE FIXED, AND ANY MISTAKE MOST CERTAINLY CAN BE FORGIVEN! NO SIN IS TOO HUGE TO BE FORGIVEN! FORGIVE YOURSELF! CHANGE YOURSELF FOR THE BETTER NOW THAT YOU’RE AWARE AND BELIEVE THAT YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE SO MUCH FOR THE BETTER, THE BEST YOU CAN HAVE IN THIS LIFE AND THE NEXT! I pray, anyone who has been abused or is an abuser, today find it in your heart and soul to forgive them and forgive yourself. For letting it happen or for doing it, forgive the person or people who have hurt you, let it go in the name of GOD. I pray God gives you the knowledge, awareness, and ability to change yourself TODAY! AMEEN AMEEN AMEEN! If I could do it, anyone can…it was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and it made me the best person I could be today BECAUSE OF IT. Don’t get caught up in the “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve”, IT HAPPENED, WE CAN’T CHANGE THE PAST, BUT WE CAN START A NEW CHAPTER TOWARDS OUR FUTURE! My peace and blessings to anyone feeling shameful of horrible actions they’ve done. TO NEW BEGINNINGS!!!
I became a single mom in 2015 and had barely any money and no bed for my kid. So I stupidly stole someones identity over a year ago and used it to open a credit card to buy furniture for my new home.. I also used my work’s company card to pay for what I thought was a one time $10 renters insurance policy transaction, but I didn’t know it was set on monthly auto pay and I eventually got figured out and fired. I learned my lesson and will never steal again, but I hate myself so much, I feel like I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. I’m going through a really hard time with my kid having behavior problems and getting kicked out of 5 daycares, and I am in the process of filing bankruptcy.. I honestly don’t want to live anymore, I’m feel like a horrible person and a terrible mom..
You are NOT a horrible person or mother! You were doing your best to find ways to cope with a difficult time. Every choice we make in life comes with a consequence, be it meaningless or the most meaningful! We have to forgive ourselves to grow and become the better person God destined for us to be. And sometimes it takes something drastic to do that! By acknowledging what you’ve done and feeling remorseful for it, you’re already on the winning side! Now, all left to do is to make that hard and difficult leap to FORGIVE YOURSELF! Life doesn’t end here for you, GOD WILL make a way for you to get out of this. Pray to God, ask for forgiveness for omg him. Sit with yourself alone and cry or whatever you need to do to let it all OUT, finally, and FORGIVE YOURSELF! THIS WILL PASS! YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS!