How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to let go of the feeling of regret over the times people have torn me apart. I am mad at myself for giving people control of my life using guilt, seducing me, shaming me and telling me to follow them because every one is doing it. I have been tricked. By my own friends. I keep regretting those decisions and sometimes it eats me up inside that I am not so smart as few. I want to take control back and not let people into my life as easily I did. Even my own boss has taken advantange of my niceness and made me work harder without paying me more. I am no more working for anyone and I will not let people continue to use and abuse me. Sometimes I just want to yell at myself for being so naive. I want to develop into a stronger being and a person. A visionary. I am not that dumb. People may think I am dumb, stupid and incompetent and use that to trip me up. No more. I want lots of respect, command attention.
i am gay, a pathetic human being. Born to a family that will have full success, I am a crybaby, I ran away from my problems and placing them on others so that they can end it, I am tired of depending upon others, I hate myself for the way I look, too fat, too ugly, and for my bad habit of watching gay porn, i hate it. I hate it all, I hate that I am not faithful to my religion, I hate doing sins over and over again, I hate myself for being lazy I hate myself by forcing my mom to beg in front of my teachers just to see that i will graduate to their preferred course from me. I hate myself for not being able to speak up from my heart, I want to shout and scream these things that i wrote but i hate myself for being scared of being humiliated, having my pride destroyed, my life pitied, I hate that everyone that I have ever met pitied me. I hate that I am an awkward and shy person always dreaming about this being cool or handsome, having many friends, I hate myself because I am too scared of letting the past go. I hate it all, I want to change, I hate that I always get jealous from successful and excellent people, the ones who tried their hardest, the ones who found their reason to be alive, I dont even know if I go to heaven or hell, I dont want know everything. I hate it when others became friends with me only because of my family or my successes, I hate myself, I hate myself for being childish, selfish, unfaithful, Fat, Lazy, Disrespectful, forgetful, Self centered, being stupid, being an idiot, being a duckface, being sexually confused, being torn apart by my own dreams and my families’ dreams for me.
Hey, I’ve read through a lot of the comments on here, but your post really spoke to me. I don’t pity you, but in the way a stranger can love another stranger on the internet, I have love for you <3
I have an ex that i haven’t seen in nine years and my heart like totally reconnected, but then I thought about how we had two abortions 15 years previous. .do I just let it go or is there a reason he’s around again?