How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to let go the mistake I made 3 years ago. I cheated on my ex girlfriend and beverages told her. Most of the relationship has been a lie but I did love her. I also made a mistake by coming back to England. I should have carried on my travels for another 6months and gone to N.Z. and left it at that. I knew I was making a mistake but still went through with it. I be been trying to make the best of it since being back but I still regret the choice I made.
i want to forgive myself for the lashing out at an ex lover during our break-up. I found myself feeling increasingly out of control and reaching out to him only to be neglected. My anger led to me texting him mean and unfair messages that I can’t take back now. I feel ashamed of my lack of control and angry with myself for being unkind, and on top of them embarrassed of my pain. I am in so much pain over our failed relationship and I am so angry with him for his treatment of me, that I can’t bear it, but I never want to show my anger in an unhealthy way because it only leads to bruised feelings.
I want to forget the past of my Highschool years and the stuff I went through with being bullied. I was a pretty popular kid in school, everyone liked me. But then I lost my virginity to this girl, who people would say is a “big” girl. I got constantly teased and totally lost my popularity from it but I liked this girl. I also experienced one of my girlfriends committing suicide and literally all her friends blamed me for it when I never wanted that to happen to her. She was my best friend, we did argue at times but when she passed away we were the best of fried s and as close as we ever were. I got blamed and I’ve felt like a horrible person ever since. My relationships with women have been horrible ever since. I’m always cheated on or played and women always laugh about it when they do it. I’ve literally lost the person I used to be. I literally hate my life. Since I’ve been outta school things have been rough, it’s hard finding work, I’m always broke. My social life is nothing and I am a pretty goodlooking guy. I recently was talking to this girl and we hungout and it did lead to sexual things. But she switched up and literally called me a lame ass guy and laughed at me. She said she enjoyed the sex but she also just didn’t care after she got what she want and totally left me stray. I’ve been trying to find my way in this world. I’m about to be 24 and I’m in debt with college so I have no plans of going back. I literally have nothing. I share a studio apartment with my mother who can barely afford to pay the rent herself cause her job doesn’t pay enough. I did have a job but I got fired at will for supposively planning a robbery that I had never was planning and never happened. I got looked at as the bad guy and of course the boss won the dispute. Ever since then I haven’t been able to find work and I’ve done nothing wrong. Some days I go just popping pill after pill hoping that my life wastes. I try to go out and take my mind off things but it never changes. I try to do everything to bring myself into a positive Mindstate but it never works. I wanna let go of everything. My life is worthless in some sense and I can’t figure it out. I had so much potential when I was younger and I was always happy. But somehow I’ve never escaped my past and it traps me. I never trust my dates cause they always go the same way. I try to be the nicest person I can be but it never seems to work. I pray, I pray, I ask and try to talk things out but nothing comes of it. I don’t know whether I should let it all go and end this life. But I know if I’m gonna be nothing in this world I’d rather just end it all now. I literally struggle to love myself cause I feel worthless, undesirable and I constantly get my emotions fucked with by everyone. Idk what to do anymore. I hate being poor, I hate being in poverty, I hate having no results from anything I do. No opportunities, every job I apply for gives me an interview but never gives me a job no matter how many times I call back. I literally hate this world and this life and if God wants to do the biggest favor and blessing in my life it would be to take mines away cause if he doesn’t I just might do it myself
Remember how it felt when your girlfriend committed suicide? Imagine the aftermath of hurt you would leave. You are loved, it is not our job in life to save anyone, they unfortunately make their own choices. You say you pray, then quit looking for validation in others and look for it in God, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. That’s what the bible says about you. Women who aren’t 100%for being whole as a person, will drag you down. Whole in God, self and those around them will see that it is no lie they live. You as a mab should stand whole, you are forgiven, and you can share with those who are hurting God and His purpose. My biggest suggestion is volunteer and help in the ministry without judging, the work is tough. But its not to make up for what you think you did, it is so you can live free knowing others who feel as lost as you do right now have hope. I hope this helps. My heart and prayers goto you, as a mom who knows what it is like to have had overwhelming guilt and then forgiveness.
you’re about to be 24 if you take your life now, you wouldn’t be just taking away your life but all the potential and all that you could have done in the world too.