How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
April 12, 2016
Dearest NAME:
I miss you dearly for you were my best friend. For 22 years I have been struggling to keep my pain inside, not knowing what I was feeling. I have been so angry at you yet miss your smile and laughter so much. We were best friends. I miss having you as my best friend. I could tell you anything. You never judged me. You had always respected me up till that day in 1990.
I never effectively grieved for you, Jimmy. I find myself crying each day, all day for us, for you, for those we have hurt with our irrational decisions and lack of faith in one another. For our fear of a manipulative monster, that we allowed to destroy us. We both allowed destruction and it has taken a toll on a lot of people around us. Lord, I miss him so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was angry that you would allow sex to take precedence over our friendship. We had so much fun together. Up until that day you were the only guy I felt comfortable enough with to be myself. You were also the only guy who respected me. You never once touched me inappropriately or made lude remarks to me or about me. I loved you like a brother, Jimmy. I trusted you. What I did not understand is how those feelings could turn into a love to extend time with you. I think of you holding me, hugging me, kissing me all the time. I miss it. I wish it had happened differently.
There were so many things I could have done to prevent our brokeness. I need to forgive myself and I need you to forgive me.
When you told me you loved me, my response was probably harsh to you. I said “No your not.” And remembering you saying yes, I am. I was scared of losing our friendship. I did not want to be “another notch” on your belt with you bragging about what we did together. I asked why you helped Greg and I get together if you were interested in being with me. Why? You couldn’t answer me. I asked you to stand by me while I broke up with NAME so we could give it a shot. You were too afraid too. You wouldn’t stand up for me, for us. Why? It seemed all you really wanted was to f*** me behind his back. I didn’t want to do that. It seemed to upset you that I wanted to be moral and just. At the same time I am angry with myself for not just breaking up with him. I cannot remember why I didn’t just break up with him the next day. He was a monster. I became just as afraid of him as you were. I cannot forgive myself for allowing him into my/our life. Was I that angry at you for what happened?
I guess in the end we are both responsible for the loss of our relationship. I am struggling to forgive myself for not being there for you more in the end.
All these years, I have just pushed all these feelings down deep inside. Suddenly these overwhelming feelings of grief are coming over me for you. I really miss you.
I have been praying each and every day that I want God to turn back the hands of time to the night in the car with you so that I can tell you things differently without hurting you. I wanted you to stand up for us. I needed you by my side. We needed to tell NAME about us and you were too scared. It didn’t mean we had to be serious from the start. I knew you better than to ask that of you. I just couldn’t go behind anyone’s back and just have sex. It confused me. Instead of us getting together we tore each other apart and went our separate ways. I fell right into the arms of a monster.
I know see all the missed opportunities. What were we so scared of, Jimmy? Why didn’t we just leave and not return to the people who didn’t care if we were together? I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I let you down. I gave up my best friend for a deceitful, lieing, harsh, dangerous man.
I wanted you in my life yet it seemed so impossible. We became so…………
I keep replaying this song from Heart, “Crazy On You,” it reminds me of you. We would have loved singing that together. It’s us.
I am so sorry for being so afraid and confused. I am so weak when it comes to matters of the heart and tend to make the wrong decisions for what seem to be the right reasons at the time. As with everything we think we have so much time to make amends but we did not – did we? It seems so unfair what happened to you. I should have been there for you. I should have left NAME.
I think about the canoe trip where we played that joke on NAME. I thought of it as us just being the kidders we are when we are around each other. I was trying to tell Greg about my feelings for you yet he was so angry I was so scared. I should have asked you and NAME to take me in your canoe and left him to himself. You were no where to be found when I was scared with him and he was yelling at me. I should have never gotten out of the canoe and went into the woods. I wished you had found me. I wished you had stayed with me and we let NAME go off on his own. I also wish that you just would’ve kissed me in front of everyone and that we would have stood up for one another.
Lord, I would give anything to fix this wrong between NAME and I to be able to spend his last years with him. To rid my life of NAME. NAME has destroyed so many lives and I allowed it. Please forgive me, NAME.
That night in the car, I remember you telling me you love me, yet I knew I loved you but more as a brother – you were my best friend. You kissed me and I liked it. I felt your hair it was so soft. I didn’t want to have sex. Another notch on your belt. I told you we needed to tell Greg and I think you said you were scared. Or maybe you just liked the fact of having me behind his back. I really don’t know. You didn’t ask me to break up with him. Did you want me too? Were you scared? I was scared because I knew in my heart I had a passion for NAME and did not want to hurt you. It was not great sex. If you would have waited it would have been better. You waited all that time to tell me. Why couldn’t you wait a few more days?
Which brings ups another question. There were times I was not with NAME. Why didn’t you ask me out? NAME’s party you were there but did not want to come into the kitchen. You missed out on me. I was free. You could have had me. I wanted you.
The canoe trip. The joke we played on NAME. He got mad and I don’t really remember all the specifics. Did I deny you? Did I not stick up for us? What happened? You and NAME took off in your canoes. NAME complained about getting the canoe back by himself so reluctantly I went with him. I wanted you to stand between him and I and confess your love for me or at the very least treat me like your sister and get him away from me. All else would have taken its course.
Instead there I am in my canoe with him and he is yelling at me the whole time. I had enough and got out. Ran through the woods. Would you come and save me? Did you care? You did not want to get involved unless it was sex. Why? I thought you loved me?
They found me. I went home with him listening to him bantering. Took a shower and went to my brothers. I didn’t think you would want to see me. I was embarrassed. How I wish I would have came to you that night. Or at least called you from my brothers.
I miss you, NAME, I miss you more than words can say. There is a huge whole in my heart where you were supposed to be. I miss that we don’t have a legacy of children. I miss that I don’t know Matthew. I miss that I cannot share my most intimate thoughts with my husband about you as now it is just jealousy.
I missed the opportunity with you, NAME. So many times. When you came up to the gas station when I was with NAME. At your house multiple times.
This is the scenario that keeps running through my mind:
You tell me you love me. I’m excited and confused at the same time. Need to break off with NAME but I need you there with me physically while I tell him on the phone. I express my desire for our first time not to be in a car. Me and you take off for a couple of days to the shore and spend the weekend together.
We are a great couple. No commitments to make you feel uneasy. Just good times as usual with a little intimacy, ok a lot. We are there through thick and thin together. I am by your side every step of the way.
NAME and I are able to keep our feelings in tact. We are all able to be close friends and become family.
We draw closer to each other and God through your illness. We have two babies together prior to your death or perhaps you actually think your life is worth saving now. You decide to amputate your leg.
If you still die, you would give NAME and I your blessing. As a matter of factly, you would ask him and NAME to look after me. You know NAME and I would not have ever wanted to hurt you.
I love you always, NAME. Love, Mary xoxoxo
I hate who i was lst year. I was nice and kind and am on the right path now that jesus has leaded the way. But i hate que yo disea mentiras and tryeng ty bunn the persin i wasnt. I tried to imprese ppl when i wasnt being myschelf. I regreto aking uile meh bro no era mio. Lyeng to mom and hanging with the wrong people. For cussing. But im fine now i have the right people the lord took the bad
I feel really guilty for the way I acted in my past relationship and friendships. I was not a good friend. Or girlfriend. I cheated, I lied, I abandoned, I hurt people really badly and I’m really sorry. It eats away at me every day and I just needed to get this out there. I’m really, really sincerely sorry. I’m so sorry. I am not that person anymore.