How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I slept with someone who I thought I would have died for. I feel childish for excepting it but it was him who broke me down. He was the first person I had opened my body to and my heart to and he didn’t feel the same way. Over time he started to hate me but at the same time still call me. He got more and more comfortable in calling me names and putting me down and I got more and more comfortable about feeling that way about myself. I tried to fix it and thought I had but those feelings are still sitting in the back of my mind and they are there constantly. They never go away. I don’t know how to make them go away. I don’t even know what they are anymore. I just hate myself I know that. I feel like a slut and I know I’ve changed so much since before I met him. I know this isn’t supposed to be about him but I don’t know how to get rid of these feelings I feel for myself. I know most would say to get rid of him first but I can’t I don’t know how. I always say yes to him and he knows it. He calls me out on it and calls me a whore. Which I know I’m acting like but I don’t know how to tell him no. He’s the only guy that pays attention to me even if his attention is bad I am used to it. All the other guys feel the same way about me. They all think I am someone who you just sleep with and then never talk to again and I can’t handle it from them. I can handle it from this one guy because I like to think he is my person, but he’s not my person. He’s not even my friend. I have gotten to a point where I don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t care about my school I don’t care about getting in trouble, I don’t care about messing up, I don’t care about my body, and I don’t care about myself. Well at least that is the way I feel. When I sit alone in my bed and think about what I’ve messed up for myself I start to care and I hurt thinking about all of the things that I have done. That I have ruined. I can live with out boys. I know that. I don’t mind not being with anyone. At least I think. I just have to find a way to tell him no. But in order for me to be able to tell him no I have to want to fix myself. Right now all I know I have to fix is my grades and my school life. I used to be so good at it and I let myself stop caring. Once I have something to focus on and hold on too I can finally tell him goodbye and hopefully all my bad feelings with it. But first I have to learn how to get motivated to work again to be the best I can be and to leave behind all these bad things I am associated with. Hopefully writing it down will help.
Hi, that is a sad story.. I feel very bad for you. I am having a problem my self, somehow related to yours..
6 months ago, I met that wonderful woman and we’ve been together ever since. All my life I’ve been a ladies man, having countless encounters and relationships, being sure I can’t fall in love with anyone. Simple as that.
But she proved me wrong! I love her to the bottom of my heart and, I fall in love with her every time I see her, the feeling is just amazing, well at least used to be.
Recently I found out, she had a short affair with a man, a week before we started dating, or maybe even when I started calling her or going out, w/e. And she had a one night stand with him, while we were just starting out and didn’t really know each other. All I know is, I was already strongly in love with her at that time. And it is just killing me. I can’t eat, work, have fun. I am very depressed.
And Nataly, she apologized a million times and feels bad for that, really.
But I just can’t get over it. CAN’T!!!! I hate my self for not starting messaging her at least 1 week earlier… Or I don’t know, if only I could go back in time.
The pictures of her having sex with that man, while I was sitting at home, thinking how amazing this woman is (and she really is), are constantly in my spoiled mind.
I know she did nothing wrong, back than they where communicating for some time and I have only met her. And she is not a slut, I know that for a fact. That was her 2nd man, in her live, as she’s been married for a long time before that.
It just happened right under my nose and I couldn’t do jack about it.
Most of I feel bad about, is Nataly blaming her self, as she truly and deeply loves me. And I do love her back.
But I keep seeing them, even while we are being intimate with her, and this conditions literally kills me.
Look, it is ok to feel bad. And I believe you are a very kind and nice young lady, you just got a little confused and negatively influenced by that guy.
I broke up with Nataly.. And I cry every night in the bathroom about it, like a child. I’m almost 30 btw.
Block him, don’t answer the phone anymore. Focus yourself on proving ev everyone who you really are, without actually saying them a single word about it. Start a war, a go for the win.
Save your self for someone who deserves you. And if one day they ask you about your past, just don’t tell them everything. Less details is the key.
Be strong. Good luck to you, miss.
With best regards
Igor
I need to let go of the poor decisions I made while living with an alcoholic spouse who was beginning his sobriety journey. I had enough and said hurtful awful things. I acted out in resentm and pain. I turned to the wrong people for guidance during this time. Now that we are clawing our way back to each I other and out new life, I can’t let go of the guilt or my mistakes.
I cheated on my boyfriend 2 years ago and I realized what a huge mistake it was and how much I love him and don’t want to lose him. He doesn’t know. Am I hurting or still lying to him if I never tell him?