How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
After a major breakup of 11 year long relationship, I drank my face off for about a month. Work, drunk, day, drunk, night, drunk. I was alone in our apartment, he had left, and I had no one to turn to. I didn’t think I could go to any of my friends. Depression held me fast and I was convinced I couldn’t reach out to anyone. The tipping point came when I thought I was getting fired at work and tanked myself, ended up sleeping with some random guy, and texted everyone I basically knew horrible things about them, rude comments, just terrible things. I want to let it go…I want to be free, knowing that I did this from a place of pain, from a place of a severely psychotic depression. That I had let my mental illness, bipolar disorder, take hold of me, and without proper meds, I had let it consume me so fiercely that I lost tons of friends, hurt tons of people, and hurt myself. I want to let go, but when I do remember, it’s a lesson that teaches me never to touch alcohol ever again, never stop taking medication, and always be thankful for the great job, life, boyfriend, and friends I do have currently. Never take them for granted, people, because you can really fuck up and lose them. I have learned from this experience that I need to be vigilant, stay the proper course, and yes, I’ll fuck up at some point in time, but, honestly, it was a good lesson. I saw how far down the rabbit hole goes, and I pulled myself out of it without an intervention, no friends to my name–I had pissed them all off–and somehow I’m still standing. I’m alive, somehow. I didn’t kill myself. I didn’t kill anyone. Words. Horrible words, but words, none-the-less. A bad sexual encounter. And here I am, great job, great life, great boyfriend, great friends, love where I live, love myself.
I will never go back to that place again. And knowing I can go there, letting go that it happened, and knowing that it did happen once–I won’t ever be there again.
Lately i have been feeling distant from my husband and neglected. We had so much going on and with him at school and work it became difficult for me to take care of our baby puppy and other pets in the house and maintain the house as well … Mot to mention i also work full time and go home and do all of the housework. Someone at work started to show me the attention i so badly have been seeking but no matter how much i told my husband he never listened to my wants. I mean this is no excuse for what i did and i shouldn’t be shown any remorse , but with the attention i received from the new guy one thing led to another and i cheated on my husband. I regretted it instantly and cried and basically destroyed myself emotionally in front of that guy. I stopped all of it half way when it hit me of what the heck i was doing to my husband and my relationship. For days after that i damned myself , hated myself for what i done. i still hate myself because i didn’t have the guts to tell my husband and to see the disgust of my own face in the mirror i don’t want him to see me like that. We have built our whole lives together and i love him dearly. I got lost in that quick moment that is haunting me and will continue to haunt me. My husband is a wonderful person but he will not tolerate a cheater. If i tell him it would destroy our marriage and make him hate me. But if i continue to not tell him every time i look into his eyes it will haunt me. I don’t know what to do and i don’t want to lose my husband. I know people say once a cheater always a cheater . I know in my heart that what i did was terrible and i NEVER want to have that feeling again and have regretted doing this soooooo much that i hate myself and think i am a disgusting person.
My heart aches for you and the pain you are enduring. You are not your worst mistake you are a good person who got lost. I hope you find peace!!! <3
The guilt of having a nervous break down