How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to let go of all the guilt and shame i had last year when i joined in an online recruiting business that eventually became a scam. I am very sorry for all the people i recruited, to my friends and family. I never had any idea that it will turn out to be a scam since we knew the admin/owner. I was so lost and stressed out that it come to a time that i wanted to commit suicide because of all the guilt and shame i had but thank God for the love and support of my family and my husband. They helped me in so many ways. We also lost a big amount of money and i was so disappointed with myself. All i just wanted was to help my family financially but it turned out that we can never earn from any easy money scam and pyramiding scam online. I now became closer to God. For He washed away my sin and helped me move on and see the brighter side of life. I know that everything happens for a reason, we may not know now but soon all things will be clearly understand. Everything is always planned out according to God’s will and everything will end in His Greatness. So even do we may now experience these troubles and problems. Still we must be excited for the future. I am still in the process of healing the wounds of the pass. I know everything will be okay. Just always praying that God will continue to remove all negative evil thoughts, doubts, and fear that keeps on entering my heart and mind. And may He continue to give me peace of mind, unburdened heart, and betterdays to come. Hope everyone will also see that there will always be a light at the end of a tunnel. 🙂 God Bless…
my husband of 57 years passed away & although we had a good finish I so regret the way I handled things in the past . Our communication could have solved a lot but we didn’t know how to communicate well. I loved him dearly & think he loved me but I have reacuring bad memories.
I am an idiot for letting you go. For thinking that I was a victim of some sort. I’m a monster the way that I treated you. You deserved the very best of me and I gave you nothing. I couldn’t see what I can see now. I just took and took and took and wallowed in depression and self pity only to leave you one midnight argument for someone who I can’t even be with. And I’m committed to him now and I can’t even make it up to you because I am afraid to fuck up this relationship and end up alone if you don’t take me back. I already fucked it up by not being over you first before starting up a new marriage. I know I will be ok ending up alone but he is undeserving of the pain and I have already fucked up one person’s heart.. I don’t want to fuck up another person’s heart. But I think I already did. I think I already know I have to leave him too. Or I’ll never get over you. Being with him makes me unable to move on from you. I don’t deserve either of these incredible men. I’m Despicable… I’m. Very sorry… To both of you and to myself. To our daughter. To all of us. I’m very very sorry. I deserve suicide but they don’t deserve that pain so I won’t do that. But that’s how much I hate myself for all of this.. That I actually don’t deserve life.