How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I fell in love with someone else and I tried to stay in my relationship and make it work but I never stopped thinking about the other person. I ruined our relationship and was wracked with guilt that led to a depression and high anxiety. I loved my partner but always wandered what else was out there. I strung him along for three years. He knew about it but never mentioned it. I wanted him to call me out on it, but he never did. I wanted boundaries I wanted him to be jealous and tell me he needed me.
I still love my partner and wish i wouldn’t have let my feeling for another person ruin our relationship.
I don’t even like the other person anymore.
REGRETS LIST:
1) Becoming addicted to opiates and crack cocaine for a better part of 7 years.
2) Losing my job I was at for 10 yrs. In which I was making great money and loved because of tardiness and not showing up to work because of my drug problems. I began to hate myself so much for the drug abuse I couldn’t face my coworkers and superiors with the daily lies of a life that I was not leading. I made-up a “normal” existence and felt the guilt every minute of every day. I eventually self-sabotaged myself and was terminated. One of the saddest days of my life.
3) Not being at my fiancee’s side more when he was hospitalized with terminal cancer. He had to have his coworker come by my house to “FIND ME” to go see him at hospital – DISGUSTING!!!! WHO DOES THAT!!!!
4) When he was put into hospice with terminal cancer I never went to see him and be with him at the end of his life.
5) My 16 yr. old beagle Tyler had a severe ear infection for over 10 yrs. that I NEVER attended to because it would take away from my drugs to have to go to vet. In the end, he became very sick and I didn’t take him to the vet. I watched him suffer slowly until his last breath and I wrapped him in a blanket and threw him in a dumpster in the parking lot of a local business.
6) Not seeing my older sister and my niece and nephews for over 7 yrs. missing precious time with them. All because I dropped out of life cause of my addiction.
I want put this list behind me, but MY GOD it’s hard. I believe I am evil, uncaring and deserve nothing but unhappiness and misery. I look in the mirror and I HATE what I see, a 53 yr. old lady that never had happiness for any long length of time. I was in an abusive relationship for 16 yrs. to go into another relationship with another drug addict!!!!! I thought I could save them. I wasn’t a drug abuser so I thought I could make a difference. Instead I ended up addicted!!!!
My heart goes out to you.I prayed God finds you and lifts you up and gives you strength. If I were you, I would walk into any church and ask to see the pastor.Tell the pastor your thoughts. This doesn’t have to be a long drawn out thing. It’s up to you if you want Jesus in your life. I would think the pastor would pray with you and not pressure you about attending their church. When you pray you may ask for forgiveness and if you believe or come to believe Jesus died for your sins and are sorry God WILL forgive you. Then you must forgive yourself and move on. You have a lot to offer others as you speak about the pitfalls of addiction in a very understanding and heartfelt way.I believe you can help yourself and others as you embrace forgiveness and go on with your life. If you don’t like the pastor go on and find another. We have ALL fallen short and I too have done May cruel and evil things in my life.
I wish you forgiveness and happiness.
Faith
I’m 62 years old. I have lived on my head,put off my life, isolated from others,lived in fantasy and though I have had only one focus in my life-my career-and yet I have avoided risk and am now suffering the consequences. Depression, loneliness, no career, shame and financial fear, and regret and self hatred. I’m so afraid to move forward because I have wasted decades while fooling myself that I was going somewhere. I have seen most of my peers become big successes or at least have had families and grown up. I’m so full of regret and the seeming certainty that it’s too late for me that I can barely move and think about suicide. I want to let this horrible addiction to self hatred and avoidance of risk go, and since I’ve never gotten out of my head enough to learn how to do things in life, I feel I need to be rescued and taken care of. I’ve always had a false front, but I can’t fool myself anymore. I feel like since I’ve wasted my life hiding out snd i’m now getting old, I should just give up. But then I realize that this is serious. I don’t want to die. I want to grow and live and attain my goals if it’s possible. I don’t want to live a squalid life at 62.
I have had enough money that I convinced myself I was safe not really going for it, though that’s what I’ve wanted the most in the world. When people criticized me,meaning for it to be constructive, I’ve snapped at them. In hindsight I realize that I’ve missed everything because I’ve never been able to not take myself seriously and be humble and open. I want to let go of my ego and become free to learn and grow by forgiving myself and my ex who I feel abandoned me.
My thinking has caused such deep depressive pain that it has turned into an agitated depression with psychotic features.I need courage and willingness to face life’s challenges even though I’m a 9 year old in a 62 year old’s body. Want to cling to someone and not be alone. I must find a way to move on . I stay up all night then can barely barely get up and sometimes can’t at all.
I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. I feel the EXACT same way as you right now, except that I’m 27, no college degree, avoided all of my close friends due to shame and isolation, avoided taking any risks, never applied myself to anything, never followed through with anything. Engaged in heavy drinking, unprotected sex, impulsive and irresponsible behavior. I loathe myself for all of this and I cannot forgive myself or move forward. Never had thoughts of dying, but because of all of this shame I hardly want to live or try anymore. I’m mortified and disgusted with my behavior in the past. It’s so hard to live with myself every day as now I’ve come to look at myself as a failure with no inhibitions and zero self-awareness when in my early 20s. I want to die when I think of how others must think of me. A drunk. A slut? I see a therapist. Found out I have avoidant personality disorder. It sounds like you might have that too. It’s tough to change our lifelong pattern of avoidance of everything, avoidance of life. But we have the power of choice. We aren’t powerless. Pick up Steve Chandler’s book Crazy Good: The book of choices. It lifted me up from my depression but there’s still so much work I need to do before I can move forward with my life. Have more compassion for yourself. It’s hard I know. I hope you can find some light in your life. Find a purpose in life again. Find it, and never let it go. It can save your life.