How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Yesterday I realised that I have an extreme dislike for men, I hate the site of them, I don’t like being close to them and they all make me feel intimidated and I don’t trust them. With all this hatred I realised that my whole past I allowed myself to be in the company of males of abused me mentally or physically. Taking advantage of my weak state of mind because I had no voice to stand up for myself. 2 of my closest friends laughed when I told them I was sexually assaulted by another friend and all they cared about was the size of the guys penis. I hate them and I’ve gotten rid of them, but I hate myself for letting myself to go through it. after the first sexual abuse, I don’t remember telling myself that I would never let myself be manipulated by a guys sexual desires again, and I don’t know, but I think because of that, it happened 3 more times. I was put into situations that I didn’t want to do anything, but I just let it happen. And I am deeply troubled and sick of thinking about my past I wish I could forget it all, erase those people from existence. I just feel very very angry, and as much as I tell myself that in the future I will never let myself be pushed around by anybody ever again, I can’t forget my past, and it hurts and I want to forget it all, I want to forget ever meeting those people, I want those people to forget ever knowing me, I just want to rewind and have a stronger mind, I want to rewind and be able to slap them, I want to rewind and make the better decision for me. For years after my first assault I stayed friends with the people who laughed and I want to re-do all of it, kick them to the curb sooner, make them know how betrayed I felt or better yet, never have met them in the first place.
I was in a serious chaotic relationship with an addict we argued frequently and he would disappear and lie and do all the things that addicts do but I made a mistake and slapped him in the face 2 different times out of anger the first time we had been arguing about him lying and the second time I found out that he was talking to another girl behind my back. Im really ashamed of it, I never thought I would lay hands on someone that I loved and I feel so much shame and guilt about it. We split up last year over everything and he found recovery and I just feel like an evil terrible ex girlfriend. I know what I did was wrong but I just can’t seem to forgive myself for it I don’t ever want to do that again
When I was 16, I came home from a party, very drunk. My parents were very strict when it came to drinking, so when I walked in the door they obviously knew I was under the influence. They questioned me about where I was and who I was with. When I told them they threatened to call the parents of the persons house I was at. I cared a lot about what other people thought of me so I really did not want that to happen. Thoughts raced in my head about what others would think of me. The girl who got everyone in trouble at the party, the girl who got the person who threw the party in trouble. In high school that seemed like the end of the world for me so I freaked out. For some reason I thought if I simply just got rid of my parents then everything would be fine. Being very drunk, it was a quick very irattional thought, so I decided to try and hurt my dad. My parents ended up calling the police, ever since that day I can’t forgive myself for the pain I caused. I feel I’m not deserving of a good life and love from my parents because of what I tried to do. My relationship with my parents has been very distant and I try to not associate with them very much because every time I talk to them I feel like they are thinking about how terrible of a person I am. I want to let go of this and forgive myself and move on.