How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
23 years of opposite lobedos I’ve cracked over it I’ve cheeted over it. I’ve repented and 4 years later nothing changed. I framed again. After leaving home and meeting someone my regrets grabbed my heart my kid’s said evil things to hurt me or wouldn’t talk to me. I would leave come home over and over. I was mentally looking my mind. I left her with huge regret. But I needed to see my children. And sex hasn’t changed and I’m more depressed. So. 3 years I’ve lived in the road in hotels or at home with kid’s on the floor. I’m so sad I’m so tired of trying and being told I abandoned them i left them the house paid for complete and 3000 a month I tried texting calling they ignored me. I’m devastated. But still home.
I left my partner of 7 years for someone I met online and then made promises to the new person that I couldn’t keep and probably didn’t mean at the time. I told her I loved her and that I would never go back to my ex but I was in a delusional fog. I started listening to different songs about missing my ex over and over and then finally talked to her and we got back together. I broke it off after 2 1/2 months with the other woman over text message. Text message can you believe I was that cold!!! I was such a weak coward! What is wrong with me???
Anyway I got back together with my ex that I really loved all along but we were having some problems in the past year. I acted out instead of talking it out. There were some big misunderstandings between us that only got bigger and then caused us to disconnect emotionally. Now we are together and doing better than ever but I’m afraid I am going to be punished for hurting her and others and being so cold. I’m afraid God is going to punish me in some horrible way. There’s more. I also let down a couple of people that are my clients because I am leaving town and moving to another place with my ex. It’s so very exciting but deep down I don’t think I deserve it because of what I did to her and the other woman. I am generally a very nice person so I don’t know what got into me. I also hurt the woman I dated for 2 1/2 months right before her birthday and the holidays. There is never a good time to break up with someone though. And it’s never easy and there is not right way to do it. There is also no right way to tell clients that I’m moving away.
Similar situation. Met someone online and had an online emotional affair for 2 years. We met up for sex several times for sex and eventually found out he had lied to me over many things. He also had numerous girls on the side. I was crushed.
My husband travels constantly and work is his priority which is how I ended up on Internet in first place. I had nervous break down and husband still wants to stay together. We are in counseling, but I am dealing with guilt and shame and trying to forgive myself. It’s a hard road.
Lied about current finances to get a work-study opportunity.