How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
My first love who broke my heart 20 years ago but remainded friends til he was killed in car-train accident 18 years ago. I still cry and miss him. Its the pain i cant seem to let go. After 20 years i found a wonderful man who loves me. I am ready to settle down but i need help to let go of pain ill always always love him but he has been gone for 18 years. …
My first love passed away after 1 year and a half after our break-up. I grieve and miss him everyday for 5 years now. I can’t believe how long it has been and how lonely it is to grieve for an ex-boyfriend, especially after I ended it. I feel guilt for ending the relationship and that I may have done something to change his fate. I found a very kind loving man who loves me and understands the grief that I go through periodically but I can’t let go of the pain either and I sometimes feel survivor’s guilt that I can live this new life while his ended too early. Sometimes it becomes too hard and too painful that I cry silently in the middle of the night while my husband sleeps beside me.
I recently got drunk and went to the strip club where upon I had sex with a Stripper. I can make excuses but It happened. I’m thankful that she provided protection but that doesn’t change the fact I got too drunk and lost my virginity. Its been eating me and up and I don’t know if I can ever be the same again. Is there anyone who can help feel like I’m not worthless and wasting my money. I have agreed to not go back there for some time and not without someone to keep me accountable but that doesn’t change how I feel.
I never knew my father and my mother raised two children on her own. She taught me to be strong and independent. But she never showed me how to love another person. I’m a fairly attractive woman and I’ve never had trouble finding men to be with, but I can never fully commit to them. I’m too stubborn, too opinionated, I’ve even been called “cold” before. There’s always the thought of, “There might be someone better out there”. I’ve cheated on multiple partners throughout my life, because I’m a selfish person and I never fully cared about them. The man I’ve been with for the last 2 years, I’ve cheated on him with 4 different guys. At the time it was so exciting and such an adrenaline rush. I’m addicted to that feeling, the first waves of attraction and excitement. I’m still with my current boyfriend but the guilt is eating me up inside because he is SUCH a good person, and he deserves better than me. So much better. I can never tell him about my infidelity, I’m afraid he might physically harm me or himself. I don’t know how to handle these feelings and I’m just spiraling deeper into depression. I wish I could chalk it up to being young and dumb, but in all actuality, I’m just a piece of shit person who doesn’t know how to love.
You are worth it. You are valuable, we all make mistakes. Start and continue the process of forgiving yourself, and start over fresh today. By being honest from today, with your partner, lover. If your afraid he will harm you, please try to get out of this relationship. You should feel safe, supported, loved and protected by your lover. I went through this and it is liberating to start anew in a relationship with total honesty, even if its saying from the start that you like being with other people. This is just advice, I don’t judge your decisions, but give yourself time, for you, love you, take care of you, first. And you will find it easier to be with someone who understands you honestly from the start.