How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
The past false arrest and not bashing the skull of the oerson
My wife is leaving me, we have had issues one was my demands for sex, I have been pretty good, but last night I came on to her really aggressive, hands all over the place almost pleading with her to do it with me, I don’t want to be that guy, I am trying to change, now I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for the years that I thought that sex was the way to judge your connection and how good your marriage was, it isn’t it at all. I feel guilty for taking her for granted, for making her feel like all I wanted her for was sex, I feel guilty for having a wandering eye even though I would have never broke my vow and do something with anyone else. I am beating myself up over this, I should be worrying about how to help fix this so she will come back not about screwing her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and this is how I showed it? If anybody reads this please if you think your marriage is great because you guys have sex a lot it might not be, talk to her, show her she is special, ask her if she feels loved, respected, and special. Take every chance you get to make her feel like your one and only cause you don’t want to experience the pain I am going through. I am so sorry for all the years of being stupid and making her feel like that
THE PAIN IN MY HEAT FOR ASKING MY DAUGHTER TO GET AN ABORTION WHEN SHE WAS 1,SHE JUST STARTED TO US EROIN AND WHEN SHE SAID SHE WAS PREGANT I SAID YOU CANOT BE SERIOUS ABOUT HAVING THISBABY, AND I TOOK HER AND I COULD SEETHE PAIN ON HER FACE..EVERYDAY I THINK OF THE BABK MY GRANDCHILD IT WOULD HAVE BEENMY FIRST LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT YEARS LATER 18 TOBE EXACT..hOW I WISH I NEVER DID THAT,,AND HERDRUGADDICITION GOT WORSETHAT WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE SHE GOT PREGNANT AND HAD MANY ABORTIONS AND I FEEL I WASTHE ONE THAT SAI IT IS OK BUT IT IS NOT THEY ARE GODS CHILDREN AND I WOULD OFHAVE MANY GRANDCHILDREN NOW WE DO NOT HAVE NAY FROM HER..AND SHE IS MISERABLE SHE HAD A STILL BORN WHICH I DID NOT KNOW AND E MADE A OLAQUE AND IT IS IN THE BACK YARD.