How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
My dog of a dozen years passed away nearly two weeks ago. For six months while she was sick, very happily all I did was take care of her and try to show her much I loved her. I was rarely frustrated or stressed out because even though she was sick, I loved taking care of her. However what I cannot forgive myself for is a thought I had on what turned out to be her last night before passing away. I was suffering from MAJOR sleep deprivation, nearly six months worth where I slept on the floor with my precious baby girl, got up to clean diarrhea, coax her to lay down and rest, support her in trying to get some sleep…The last night she was with us, she was very restless – a symptom she had had over her last few months. I was monitoring her condition carefully, but I also could not get over how TIRED I was. While I was in the bathroom, trying to take care of my frustration away from her, because she would not stop moving around – something I let her do because I wanted her to be comfortable. In my head I silently begged her: PLEASE go to sleep before I put you to sleep…. I don’t know where that thought came from; it just did. Then I took some deep breaths, laid down on the floor next to all of her pillows, and waited for her to find a comfortable spot and I would encourage her when she was walking around to rest, not for my sake but for HER…eventually it was next to me. We slept together, and in retrospect, her restlessness was normal because she was preparing to pass away the next day; find a place where she was comfortable and it turned out to be in my arms. The next day, she did a complete 180 with her cancer, one that her vet said she only had a few days left to live but she ended up going a whole another. On her last day we were inseparable. She stayed by my side, which was me AGAIN very contently laying down among her pillows showering her with kisses, telling her how much I loved her. I know she forgave me for a thought she didn’t even hear me express, and she passed away at home the next night with me petting her and telling her how much I loved her and giving her kisses and trying to make sure she was as comfortable as possible. But that one thought haunts me. I had spent SIX months caring for my angel while she was sick, 12 years while she was healthy, and in one instance I couldn’t stop myself from thinking that thought. But I was just so TIRED, TIRED TIRED. I didn’t mean what I thought. I am burying her in a few weeks in a pet cemetery, and I just don’t know what I’ll do with myself afterwards – because she is gone and I have no way of trying to earn back her trust or forgiveness. In a way I know she forgave me and still loved me until the end because she stayed around with me until her final moments.. I only have our good memories together and this one horrible that won’t let me go…..
Flashback to 6 months ago when I was asked out by someone (H). So H cheated on me and I decided to give him another chance. We went 6 months of a healthy relationship. But recently I was stalking his Instagram (I tend to stalk a lot of people) and I saw he had been flirting with another girl. So I broke up with him today and all of our friends make me look like the bad one. My stress level is at it’s peak and idk what to do anymore. I just want to die in a hole because there’s a huge sick feeling in my stomach.
I want people to know I am a good person who made some mistakes that were illegal but I paid for them. My husband just passed away I am 48 years old and have no one but my dogs period, People treat me like I’m crap in my upscale neighbor hood now especially now that my Joe is gone. Why? I did nothing to them only hurt myself and my husband and now he’s gone too. I can’t trust anyone they want to hurt me and get me out of the neighborhood. I shoplifted 3 times that was my crime. I paid severely even got jail time for a totl of $370.00. I had a mental breakdown but only my husband knew and the court but they didn’t care.