How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I got drunk and cheated on my boyfriend last Thursday night. But it gets worse. It was with his best friend. It still gets worse. I cant stop thinking about how good it felt to be in his arms that night. Im so confused…i enjoy the thoughts of being with him, but i get sick to my stomach thinkinh about what iv done to my bf. I cheated cus my relationship with my bf is lacking in the emotional and physical department and has been for a couple years. I feel deprived of the love I need. But I love him so much and he has done so much for me. I knew this might happen one day, not with his friend persay but I knew the first guy that showed emotional interest in me and touched me the way i was craving I’d be a gonner…no I wouldn’t have cheated if I was sober, but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to which is just as bad. Iv never felt this amount of guilt before, I can’t stop thinking about what I did, I have panic attacks, I cry alot, idk if I can forgive myself, and I don’t feel like telling him what I did is an option… Not only did I cheat but it was with his fucking best friend. The coldest thing a woman could do to her man. That’s what I did. I live with my bf and have for 8 yrs., since we were just 16, I’m close with his family, I know if I told him they would end up finding out and I can’t bare the thought of facing them if the truth came out. I can’t believe I did that, his friend says the same thing and feels the same way. Iv talked to his friend about this secretly a few times since, cus I feel so guilty and so does he and he’s the only one I can talk to about it. No one knows it happened. His friend and i came to agreement that we wouldnt tell anyone and just try to move on. But I’m paranoid, anxious and depressed about it. I can’t stop thinking about how much of a pos I am. But I also can’t stop thinking of how good it felt. After some time, hopefully if/when I feel better, I want to tell my bf how starved I feel for his attention and try to work on it, but I just don’t see him changing. He doesn’t like to be touched. He wasn’t like that when we first got together. It’s not fair. I know he loves me more than anyone, he has told me many times, but I need his touch and companionship. I just hope I can find happiness with him and with myself. If someone reads this you can say whatever u want, call me a whore, I almost need it to feel like I’m getting some sort of punishment. But I also want to know given the circumstances if you think its cowardly of me to not tell him or not. Just remember he wouldn’t just be losing a girlfriend, he’d be losing his friend too. I know I will never do it again, no matter how starved I feel, because the guilt and sadness alone is literally unbearable.
I feel guilty about myself that I was on the right way but for some reason I decided to go the other way that caused a lot of pain and huge depression. I want to forgive myself of what I have done to myself and that I accept my decision as it is. Therefore I want to look into a prospective future where I can have back my life as I want it to be.
When i was like 12 or something. I kissed a little baby girl on lips who was about 1 n half year old may be or may be younger than this,Nevertheless i kissed her but it wasn’t a intimate kiss.a very quick one.not even a kiss in actual sense but you can take it as a kiss.
I regret about this now.its like i used to see elders kissing babies on lips so i tried.i dont even remember what my intentions were.
But still i regret.
I dont know what to do.help me out pls.