How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
When things don’t go my way in relationships or I feel uncertain I give in to self destructive behavior in the form of sexual relationships with strangers that in turn sabotage my relationships further
I can relate to that… It’s a self defense mechanism that tends to backfire sometimes
It’s nice to know I’m not alone…
I need to let go of guilt and shame about my past.. not wanting to face my past and then when confronted about it lying and making it sound worse so i didn’t have to really address what happened. i need to forgive myself for not being true to me and working so hard to try and be accepted by my husband! I have made things worse by trying to admit to things he believed happened but never really did.
I’m 21 years old and suffer horribly with confidence around women. I’ve never been in a relationship and I lost my virginity to an escort to rid of myself the ridicule I would always face about being an inexperienced virgin. Ive recently had a horrible experience with two escorts that I absolutely regret and I kinda of see silver lining in this because this experience definitely will not want me to pay for sex whatsoever again. Horniness, boredom, and poor self will is what lead me to get an escort this one day. The ad said $60 and the picture was a beautiful woman but when I went she was super hideous. I don’t know why I didn’t leave but I was already in the room and felt too scared to just dip. I felt so ashamed after I tried to make it up by getting another escort afterwards to redeem myself for that encounter. The second escort was super attractive but hustled me for $140 with no sex. At the end of day, I felt super ashamed with my dignity torn into shreds. I’m just full of regret right now and it hurts me to see why I was so careless and irrational. I honestly think I need social help or some type of therapy cause a normal 21 year old shouldn’t be doing this. The only good I see out of this experience is that I will never pay for sex again based from what happened. I just need some advice on how to move on and not let this affect my future.
No lie, this is the first ‘comment’ I’ve -ever- written. I’m a browser, a reader, and see what everyone else is saying/thinking… BUT I felt so strongly that you are beating yourself up over nothing, Holden, that I had to hit that ‘reply’ button.
I’m not a psychologist, but I think it’s probably healthy to *accept* your feelings of regret. ‘Yeh, I did something I didn’t like – I regret that, but it doesn’t define me, and I will make other choices next time.’
If, according to your values, you really do think you were careless and irrational (and bare in mind, there are other truly horrible atrocities that you could have committed to overcome the way you were feeling), then allow your regret to guide your future choices. These are feelings we go through to learn. We feel regret if we steal our schoolmate’s eraser in kindergarden. ‘Don’t like that feeling, I’m never going to do it again.’ We feel regret by forgetting our mum’s birthday. ‘That was horrible of me, but I’m damn sure I’m not going to ever forget it again.’ Again, you feel like you went against your personal code, in addition to being treated like shit through the experience, so only let it inform your future decisions.
Personally, I don’t think you have -anything- to feel ashamed about. The only ones that should feel ashamed are those from the escort agency. For false advertising, and for hustling you. Again, put that down to a learning experience! False advertising and hustling is all around us by unscrupulous people, all our lives. Decide not to deal with them.
I don’t know where you live, but there are some parts of the world that have a wholly liberal and tolerant attitude of what you were trying to experience. I went on a stag-do once to the Red Light District of Amsterdam… now the stag didn’t accept the attempts put upon him by the boys in our group to pay for an experience with one of the window girls. So another guy in the group enjoyed it instead. He came out with a big smile on his face and, of course, the obligatory high-fives. Childish? Absolutely! Illegal? Nope. Dignity lost? Not according to his personal values and moral-code.
So yeh, think, ‘What an idiot… why did I fall for that…’ and allow yourself to move on. You’re so young, on this learning curve we call ‘life.’
You are 21 years old, and trust me, if this is ‘the worst thing’ you ever do, you can smile. You will probably laugh about it years from now.
You are 21 years old, were feeling horny, wanted to know what sex was like… TOTALLY normal. I’m gonna repeat that: TOTALLY *normal*.
Some things that you could do to make yourself feel more confident around women: think about things you enjoy doing and join some groups. Or just one. Music. Drama. Reading club. Tennis lessons. Speed dating. Striking up a conversation with the girl serving you coffee. Don’t set yourself goals that are way too ambitious, but maybe commit to joining one club, and put yourself out of your comfort zone and see how that goes. It’s not going to go all hunky-dory and amazing the first day and you are going to have waaaay more awkward moments with girls (again, very very normal) but treat them all as a learning experience. There are literally millions of other 21-year-old who’ve never been in a relationship and/or who are virgins. So yep, turns out you’re ‘normal’ 🙂
Therapy may help, or just ‘putting yourself out there’ may be what you need. You have a lot to offer yourself and others. Try and try again. Take things slowly.